


Read Me a Story

by GayaIsANerd



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mentions of bipolar, One Shot Collection, Panic Attacks, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-05 18:02:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 23,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayaIsANerd/pseuds/GayaIsANerd
Summary: A collection of one-shots and drabbles from my tumblr





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> these are all unedited, and most of these were posted without proofreading, soooo my sincere apologies for any and all typos and spelling mistakes

Isak doesn’t know why it happens. One moment he’s fine, listening to Magnus regale yet another of his wild stories, and the next he feels like he can’t breathe.

His vision swims and he can feel his heart speeding up, his hands feel clammy and sweat forms on his brow. He feels like a caged animal, and he’s torn between curling up in a ball under the table and running for his life.

It doesn’t take long for Jonas to notice and he frowns when he turns to Isak.

“Isak? What’s happening?”

Isak shakes his head, unable to form words, his lip quivering with the tears that want to spill.

“Dude, are you okay?” Magnus asks, lowering his voice, uncharacteristically calm.

As if by magic, Sana appears on Isak’s side. “He’s having a panic attack,” she says in her usual business-like tone. “Isak?” she asks, motioning for Jonas to stand up so she can take his place next to Isak. “Isak, I need you to look at me.”

Isak shakes his head, eyes still glued on his shaking hands.

She reaches forward and takes Isak’s chin in her hand, pulling his head up so she can look in his eyes. “You’re safe,” she says.

Isak huffs out a humourless laugh. “I know that,” he says between clenched teeth, still fighting to not cry.

Sana ignores him. “I need you to breathe in for five second, hold in for two and breathe out for seven seconds.”

“I can’t,” Isak whispers, feeling out of breath, but Sana just shakes her head and starts breathing in deeply herself. She nods at him when he starts following her example.

“Good, just like that,” she says after a few more breaths. They breathe in sync for a bit longer, until Isak can feel his heart slowing down, and his hands stop shaking, until he feels less like he’s going to die.

“How did you know what to do?” Magnus breaks the quiet, awe clear in his voice.

Sana shrugs, doesn’t take her eyes off Isak as she answers. “I used to get them.”

Isak locks eyes with her, understands what she isn’t saying and smiles softly. “Thanks, Sanasol.”

She rolls her eyes at the nickname but squeezes his hand in hers just the same. “Go home, you’ll be no use to me in biology after this anyway.”

Isak scoffs, too tired to come up with a good comeback, but figures she’s right. He feels like he just ran a marathon, his body hurts and all he wants to do is sleep.

So he says his goodbyes to the boys and takes Sana’s advice to go home.

After almost falling asleep on the tram, he arrives at his apartment, ready to just drop down in bed and not come out again until morning.

Even is already home, and the radio is playing. The calm and safety of home immediately make Isak feel more at ease. He sighs as he toes out of his shoes, hangs up his jacket, loses his jeans and crawls under the covers of the bed.

“Baby?” Even, having heard the front door close, comes out of the kitchen, worried look on his face. “Why are you home?”

Isak doesn’t answer, just makes grabby hands at his boyfriend until he gets the hint and crawls into bed with him.

“Are you okay?” Even asks him, placing featherlight kisses on Isak’s face.

Isak just enjoys Even’s loving attention for a while before he opens his eyes again and answers. “I had a panic attack during lunch.”

Even pulls back so he can look at Isak properly. “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I was fine for a moment and then…” he trails off, not knowing how to explain the sudden rush of adrenaline and panic flooding his body.

Even pushes Isak’s curls out of his face. “I’ve been there,” he says and Isak nods, he knows. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Isak shakes his head, pulls at Even until he lies back down on top of Isak. “Can we just lie here for a bit?” he breathes in deeply, grounding himself in Even’s scent, Even’s weight on top of him.

“You’ll tell me if I can help?” Even asks, lips pressed against Isak’s collarbone.

“I will,” Isak answers, sighing contently as Even places open mouthed kisses against every part of Isak he can reach. “You are helping,” he says after a while, “coming home… coming home to you made it so much better.”

Even hums, pulls Isak impossibly closer to him. “I’m happy you’re home.”

Isak agrees, surrounded by Even, he’s happy to be home.


	2. two

“You know how I sometimes say I have two voices in my head?” Even asks him, and Isak hums but doesn’t still his fingers carding through Even’s hair. “Especially when I’m in a depressive episode. There’s the voice screaming at me that I need to be better, do better. And then there’s the rational voice, calming me down, telling me I will get better and that I deserve rest.”

Isak twirls a lock of Even’s hair around his finger, hums again. “I like that second voice, the first one needs to shut its filthy mouth.”

Even laughs, his voice still raspy, his eyes full of love as he looks at Isak.

Isak bends down to kiss the smile on Even’s lips, wanting to taste his happiness, delicate as it is.

“So,” Even says as Isak straightens back up, “that second voice used to sound like my therapist.”

“Good choice,” Isak says, “she has a nice voice.”

Even rolls his eyes at him, “Shut up, I’m trying to tell you something.”

Isak grins, motions for his boyfriend to continue.

“It used to sound like my therapist, but lately it doesn’t,” Even says and Isak sees something shift in his eyes. Even grabs Isak’s hand and brings it to his cheek. Isak’s fingers on his lips so he can place a soft kiss on Isak’s fingertips before he continues speaking, the words a gust of warmth over them. “Now, the voice in my head sounds like you.”

“Me?” Isak asks, barely above a whisper.

“You,” Even replies, just as soft.

Isak looks at him, Even’s slightly greasy hair hanging down, almost in his eyes. His big blue eyes, red rimmed and filled with love and trust. His full lips, still pressed against Isak’s fingertips. His slender fingers, one hand wrapped around Isak’s wrist. His collarbone, from where his shirt has ridden down slightly.

“You’re the most beautiful person on this earth,” Isak says and Even blinks slowly as if he’s trying to process what Isak just said before a wide smile breaks out on his face. “And I’m the luckiest boy in the world to be the voice inside your head.”

Even huffs a laugh and Isak can’t resist kissing this smile as well.


	3. three

Isak comes home from hanging out with the boys to Even on the balcony. A cigarette dangling from his lips, arms slung over the fence, soft music playing.

“Good or bad?” Isak asks, winding his arms around Even’s waist from behind. Pressing a soft kiss in his nape.

“Good,” Even answers. He tangles one of his hands with Isak’s, and softly hums along with the music.

Isak waits, he knows sometimes Even needs a moment to come back to him. He always comes back, however.

After a beat, Even breathes out deeply. He squeezes Isak’s hand, pulling him closer to him. He’s back.

“I was thinking,” he says, and Isak hums, pushing his nose into the crook of Even’s neck, “maybe we should paint the kitchen yellow, to breathe some life into it. Buy some fresh herbs.”

Isak snorts. “That’s what you’ve been thinking about? All dramatically looking out at the street. You’re so extra.”

Even laughs as well, turns in Isak’s arms and throws his arms around Isak’s neck. They look at each other for a beat and Isak knows there’s more, there’s something else in Even’s eyes.

So, he tilts his head, bumps their noses together, softly, questioningly.

Even kisses him, more a peck than anything else, and Isak nods. Not now, he’ll tell him when he’s ready.

“Ok,” Isak says, and Even kisses him again. “We’ll go out for paint after school on Monday, and I think mamma has some pots we can use to plant herbs in.” He brushes his hand over Even’s back, pulls him impossibly closer. “Good?”

“Good,” Even replies, and Isak believes him.


	4. four

Isak went to school, not because he wanted to - he’d rather spent the whole day in bed with his birthday boy - but because Even had promised his mom he’d be coming over for his birthday anyway.

So, Isak got ready for school, after lazy kisses and a happy birthday handjob.

When it turned 09:09, Isak sent Even a message “Happy birthday, I love you”.

At 10:10 he sent him “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me”.

When it struck 11:11: “You’re the man of my life”.

At 12:12, all of their friends sent Even something in the groupchat, and Isak, privately: “You are loved”.

13:13, the lyrics of Nattergal.

Even responded with more hearts and more exclamation marks each time. Then, after 13:13, just a simple, “I need you to come home, now!”

Isak laughed, and ducked out of school as fast as possible, hurrying home to Even, the love of his life.

He hadn’t properly closed the door behind him, when Even was on him, kissing him senseless.

“And you call me sappy,” Even mumbled in between kisses and Isak laughed.

“Only for you, baby,” he replied, and Even got that look. That look that said more than words, that said he understood Isak, as much as Isak understood Even.

“I love you,” Isak whispered in the space between their mouths.

“I adore you,” Even replied, before pulling Isak with him into their bedroom and onto their bed.


	5. five

“Happy birthday, baby,” Isak mumbles against Even’s lips while the sweat is starting to cool on their bodies.

The movie is still playing quietly in the back, a soft murmuring of love declarations, none as sweet as Even’s soft sigh, and his fingers stroking through Isak’s curls.

“I’m so happy you get to experience another birthday, another year,” Isak whispers into the crook of Even’s neck and Even’s arms tightly wound around his boy.

“Me too,” Even says, and he’s honest.

Isak draws back slightly to look him in the eyes. “Twenty one,” he says, almost more an exhale than a whisper.

“Twenty one,” Even repeats, like it’s something holy.

And maybe it is.

Isak smiles, that soft smile, just for Even’s eyes and Even can’t help but kiss it. He wants to taste every smile Isak has to give, but this one in particular.

Birthdays are always hard, they are a reminder he’s alive, but also a reminder of how much of a struggle being alive is. This one, however, his twenty first birthday, is shaping up to be just a little softer, a little more gentle.

Maybe it’s that number, maybe it’s Isak, maybe it’s the fact that Even has never in his life felt as grounded as he does know.

Isak kisses his mouth, his cheeks, his brow, every part of him he can reach, like he’s worshipping Even. Like he’s worshipping the life within Even.

“Thank you,” Even whispers and Isak nods. He understands, he always does.


	6. six

Sometimes Even slips, he’ll do everything right, but still he slips. The bad thoughts will become louder than everything else, and the world moves so fast, so loud that it hurts.

Before, his instinct was to curl into himself, shield himself from the world. Shield the world from him.

He would hide, until he hit the ground and there was no way to hide anymore.

Even then, lying on the floor, broken into a million pieces, he’d try to pull himself back together, refusing helping hands.

Now, his instinct is to reach out. Reach for Isak and allow him to hold him.

Close, close, closer, pushing all his pieces back into place.

Sometimes the pieces still slip from in-between Isak’s fingers, and Even hits the ground. But Isak is always there too, puzzling him back together, holding every piece of Even in his loving hands. Being careful but not ignoring the jagged pieces of him, the pieces that cut and hurt. Isak will hold even them, and gently places them back where they belong, where their sharp ends are safe.

“It hurts,” Even breathes one night, after not speaking for 24 hours.

Isak looks up from his book, hums and cards his fingers through Even’s greasy hair, “I know, baby, I’m so sorry.”

Even’s eyes fill with tears, his lower lips quivers and he feels so small. “I’m sorry.”

Isak scoots down, crawls under the blankets with him, nudges his nose with his own. “There is nothing to be sorry about.”

“You must be tired,” Even says, quietly in the space between them.

Isak shakes his head, pulls Even closer to him so their bodies line up.

“It’s okay to go,” Even says. What he wants to say is please don’t go, you are the best thing in my life.

Isak kisses him, slow and tender. “I said I’d never let you go,” he whispers, because he knows Even needs to hear these words.

“I know I’m needy,” Even whispers. What he wants to say is I need you, and I’m so thankful you let me need you.

Isak lets his fingers wander over Even’s skin. “I need you too,” he whispers back, because he knows Even needs to be reminded of it.

“I love you,” Even kisses into his skin.

“I love you too,” Isak kisses back, because it’s true, of that Even is sure.


	7. seven

Isak had suggested the scary movie, he’d seen the trailer one sleepless night while clicking from video to video on youtube and the plot had intrigued him. When Even suggested a movie night, Isak didn’t hesitate to suggest the movie, hoping that Even would get scared and maybe come cuddle with Isak.

That plan however… massively backfired.

Halfway through the movie Isak realised this movie managed to hit all his weak spots, and he found himself getting more and more scared.

After a particularly loud scare, Isak jumped so hard he almost fell of the couch, while Even just snorted and threw another kernel of popcorn in his mouth. Needless to say, Even was still on the opposite side of the couch, making snarky comments about the movie, while Isak sat, his legs propped up against his chest, his jaw so tense it actually hurt.

When Even finally looked over to Isak, he frowned, “You okay?”

Isak willed his body to relax, and nodded, “I’m fine, are you?”

Even laughed, turning back to the screen, “This movie is horrible, Isak, how did you even find this? How can anyone find this creepy?”

Isak just shrugged, not trusting his voice to come out steady when another monster jumped out from around the corner.

Soon after the movie ended and Even yawned, stretching his arms above his head and momentarily distracting Isak from the terror still running around in his brain.

“I’m going to bed,” Even announced, “You’re okay with the couch?”

Isak nodded, he always slept on the couch when he slept over at Even’s house. When he had told Jonas that, he had looked appalled, but honestly, Isak was happy he didn’t sleep in the same bed as Even, as he didn’t trust his sleeping body to not drape himself all over the other boy like he so badly wanted to do.

Even smiled softly at him, making Isak weak in the knees for a moment, before wishing him goodnight and walking out of the living room, leaving Isak the weak candle light on the coffee table as his only source of light.

It didn’t take Isak long to feel the cold fingers of fear creeping on his back. The candle light left hideous shadows on the walls, and Even’s house creaked and groaned under the heavy rain from outside.

Isak tossed and turned, his blanket pulled high over his head, like he still believed it could save him from danger.

When he suddenly felt like he needed to use the toilet, Isak almost screamed in frustration. He peeked his head over the blanket, into the dark of the hallway. The bathroom was next to Even’s room, at the end of the hallway, stupidly close, but so far away in Isak’s fear muddled brain.

He knew nothing was out there, he was safe and being stupid. He knew that, but that didn’t take away the paralysing feeling in his legs or the way his breath stuttered.

Isak jumped of the couch, running to the bathroom as fast as possible, almost slamming the door behind him but remembered that he shouldn’t wake up Even just in time.

The light of the bathroom eased his fears for a short bit, until he opened the door again and shut of the light, plunging himself into darkness once more.

In a moment of pure instinct, he opened the door to Even’s room, closing it behind him and leaning against it, as if trying to keep something out.

“Isak?” came Even’s sleep muddled voice, and Isak cursed his whole existence.

“Shit, I’m sorry, I’ll…,” he trailed off.

“What’s wrong?” Even sat up in the bed, clicking on his bedside lamp, worry etched on his face.

“I’m being stupid,” Isak said, and when Even raised an eyebrow, he looked at the floor, “I’m scared.”

“Oh,” Even breathed, no judgement in his voice, “come sleep with me.” He threw his blankets aside, patting the mattress to encourage Isak.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you,” Isak said, even though his treacherous feet were already moving forward.

“I’m sure, you never bother me,” Even said, and the honesty in his voice shot right into Isak’s heart.

He crawled into bed next to Even, laying on his back, trying not to touch Even anywhere, but soaking up his presence at the same time. Even clicked off the light again, and settled on his side, face towards Isak.

It was silent for a few beats, and Isak heard Even’s breath even out again, a sign that he was falling asleep.

“The monster was loneliness,” Isak whispered into the dark room, unable to stop himself from speaking. Even made a soft noise to let Isak know he was awake and listening. “That’s why it scared me so much. Sure, the monster itself was stupid and the deaths were ridiculous… but the loneliness.”

Even breathes out deeply, before he suddenly grabs Isak around the waist, dragging him into Even’s arms, “I’m here,” he whispers simply, before placing a single kiss on Isak’s cheek.

Isak sniffles, feels himself tearing up, and Even only pulls him in closer.

“Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed,” Isak says, turning his face slightly.

His lips are now only inches away from Even’s and he feels Even’s breath on his lips when he speaks, “You can always sleep in my bed.”

“Yeah?” Isak asks, noticing how Even’s face comes even closer.

“Yeah,” Even answers, before pecking Isak on the lips, softly, chastely. “Now sleep, I’ll keep you safe.”

Isak should scoff at that, defend his honour, but he finds that he doesn’t want to. So instead he buries deeper into Even’s arms, hums contently when he breathes in Even’s smell, sighs when Even’s hands start pushing through his curls.

He’s safe.


	8. eight

Isak is not a weak boy unable to take care of himself. He’s opinionated and sarcastic and on the right side of aggressive if needed.

But some men just can’t take a hint, even when that hint is snarled into their faces.

“Just let me buy you a drink,” the man says for the third time, leaning into Isak’s space and Isak curls his nose, his body leaning away from the man as far as possible without falling of the stool.

“I said no,” Isak says, anger simmering.

“Why not, darling?” the man steps even closer, placing one hand on Isak’s upper arm, “A boy like you shouldn’t be alone on a night like this.”

Isak shoves the man’s hand of his arm and shudders. The man’s insistence on calling him a boy, paired with the fact that he’s old enough to be Isak’s dad, gives him the creeps.

“I could make you feel good,” the man now puts a hand on his leg and Isak wants to kick him in the face.

He’s not scared of him, he knows that he could take the man if it comes that far, but Isak would rather not get kicked out of his favourite gay bar. He’s just getting a bit desperate here.

So, he looks around for help and immediately catches the eyes of the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen.

The blonde frowns like he’s been watching the interaction between Isak and the creep for a while. Isak widens his eyes and tilts his head slightly, begging the boy to come save him.

The boy looks away from Isak for a moment to say something to the person next to him and starts to make his way over.

Isak breathes a sigh of relief and turns back to the man, “Listen, my date will be here any moment,” he says, and the man’s eyes widen.

“Your date?” the man says, right as the boy comes up next to Isak.

“That would be me,” a low voice sounds next to Isak’s ear. The boy slings an arm over Isak’s shoulders, pecks his cheek, “How are you, baby?” he asks, and Isak almost falls of the stool.

He’s even more beautiful up close, piercing blue eyes, swooping hair, lanky limbs and a velvet voice Isak would like to hear moan his name.

“Better now you’re here,” Isak remembers to answer when the boy raises his eyebrows.

“I’m Even,” he introduces himself to the creep, “and you are…”

The man bristles, looking from Isak to Even, before abruptly turning around and walking away.

“Oh my god,” Isak exhales, “Thank you so much, he wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Even laughs, doesn’t take away his arm from around Isak, “My pleasure,” his eyes crinkle and his smile is wide, and a wild, irrational part of Isak almost wants to go thank the creep for forcing him to ask Even’s help.

“Can I buy you a drink? You’re my date after all,” Even asks and this time Isak laughs, nods.

“I’m Isak,” he introduces himself, and Even smiles softly.

“Nice to meet you, Isak,” Even says, and when he places a hand on Isak’s thigh, Isak doesn’t feel the need to kick him in the face… Quite the opposite, actually.


	9. nine

“What did Dad say?” Even’s sister asks and Even grins at her.

“He asked what took me so long,” he answers.

Ava laughs, “Told you that would be his answer.”

Even shrugs, and goes to hug his sister, “Thank you for your help.”

“I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done yourself, Even,” she says, awkwardly patting his back. Unlike him, Ava doesn’t really do well with affection, “Now, get off me and go get your man!”

Even nods at her, his smile so wide his eyes crinkle and turn into slits, before he turns around and walks out the door, patting his pocket, like he’s scared he will lose the content if he stops touching it for a moment.

Ava is alone for a minute before their dad walks into the room.

“Took him long enough,” he says.

Ava nods, “He has been eyeing grandpa’s ring since the day he and Isak started dating.” Once upon a time Even would’ve asked for their grandmother’s ring to give to Sonja, he had talked about it, once or twice, but it had been nothing like when he started dating Isak. Ava thinks part of Even had wanted to ask him to marry him the moment he saw him on the courtyard at school. The fact that it took three more years is an enormous surprise.

Last week, Ava had seen Even standing in their father’s study, the ring in his hand. She had given him the last push then, to ask their dad for the ring, and to ask Isak to marry him.

Suddenly her dad laughs, “Wonder who’s going to ask first,” he says.

Ava raises her eyebrows in question and her dad explains: “Last week, when Even was out of the room, Isak asked me and your mom for our permission to marry Even. He said he felt like Even would like him upholding that tradition.”

Ava snorts, “They are both nerds.”

Her dad nods before he gets a mischievous look in his eye, “Want to bet who asks first? The loser cooks food for a month.”

“Deal,” Ava says, reaching out her hand for her dad to shake, “I bet it’s Isak, because Even will chicken out again.”

“I accept that bet,” her father replies, shaking her hand.

Ava smiles, knowing her brother is the luckiest boy in the world, no matter who asks first.


	10. ten

Today, Isak wakes up to Even already in full preparation mode. He has set the table, judging on the smell there is already something on the stove and for some reason he’s now fiddling with the baubles on their Christmas tree, re-hanging some of them while muttering under his breath.

Isak knew his boyfriend was nervous. Even though he had suggested they hold the Christmas party here, so that Isak didn’t have to go to his parents alone (something he still dreaded, even when things were slowly getting better). Even though both their parents had said to keep it low key, not too much hussle. Still, Even had been preparing and stressing for days.

“Baby,” Isak calls his attention and Even immediately turns away from the tree.

“Good, you’re up. This bedspread I ordered just came, it’s Christmas themed. You need to get up so I can put it on, so they can sit on the bed!” Even said.

“Baby,” Isak repeated, not moving from the bed, and instead holding out his arm to invite Even back in it, “they won’t be here for hours. Come cuddle me.” He smiled at his boyfriend as Even shoulders sagged and he padded over to Isak.

“I’m scared they’ll hate the party,” Even admitted once he was tucked back under the covers and into Isak’s arms.

“They won’t, I promise they won’t,” Isak kissed Even’s brow, “it will be amazing.”

Even turned on his back, pulled Isak close to him, making Isak sigh happily when he could lay his head on Even’s chest.

“It’s our first real Christmas. I want to make it the best one you ever had,” he said, fingers carding through Isak’s curls.

Isak lifted his head slightly so he could look at Even, “Whatever happens, this will be my favorite Christmas, because I’m with you!”

They kissed before Even hugged a laugh.

“What?”

“You’re cheesy,” Even grinned and Isak rolled his eyes before kissing Even again.


	11. eleven

Isak sighs as Eva’s continues to explain there is no way they are getting there tonight.

“We had loaded in all the bags, and were ready to go but it’s snowing too hard, Isak!” she says, her voice sounding thin and faraway over the phoneline.

“I get it,” Isak mumbles, “I guess there’s also no way for us to come down, then?”

“No, I guess you could –“ Eva is saying as the line drops halfway her sentence.

“Eva? Hello?” Isak calls into the phone before realising his cell phone lost service completely.

He groans as he drops down on the couch, his head hitting the back of the couch.

“I figure they’re not coming up?” Even says, two cups of steaming hot chocolate in his hands.

Isak smiles as he accepts the offered drink and shakes his head.

It’s not that it’s bad to get stuck with Even here. Even is smart and funny and kind and Isak has been harbouring a crush on him for months.

It’s just that that crush is unrequited, and Isak can deal with that in the company of their friends, but now, when Even’s undivided attention is on him and there is no buffer between Even and Isak, Isak is afraid he might just blurt it all out.

And as Even smiles at him, shrugging and telling Isak they’ll make the best out of a bad situation, Isak once more realises he can’t tell Even how he feels. Whatever happens, he can’t lose Even’s friendship, the easy banter and shared jokes.

“Let’s set up the Christmas decorations, yeah? That way it’s cosy when everyone arrives,” Even suggest and Isak nods.

Even grins as he puts on Christmas music, cranking the volume up high and dancing around the room, sliding around in his fuzzy socks.

Isak can’t help the giggles as he watches Even belt out the words to  _Cold Outside_.

While Even sings along, loudly, out of tune, and in a high or low pitch, depending on what line he’s signing, Isak opens the boxes of Christmas decoration Chris’ parents had put out for them the weekend before.

Even dances up to him, still wiggling his hips as he pulls out the Christmas lights and starts draping them around the giant tree in the middle of the room.

Isak follows him with the baubles and they work side by side, Even hip checking him once in a while or singing loudly in Isak’s ear, making the younger boy push at Even’s face.

After the Christmas tree is decorated, they step back to admire their work.

“Good job,” Even says, holding out his hand for a high five.

Isak high fives him, eyes widening as Even’s hand curls around his, the moment their hands make contact.

Even tilts his head, smiles and Isak wants to kiss him so badly.

The moment is broken, however, when Even suddenly, and loudly, exclaims “The star!”

“The what?” Isak asks, trying not to make disappointment colour his voice.

“The star on top of the tree! We didn’t put it up,” Even explains, bending over the box.

He comes back up a second later, giggling, “I found the seasonal butt plug,” he says.

Isak chokes on his own spit, “What?”

Even shows him the ornament, it’s a long pin, shaped like little green orbs stacked on each other, getting smaller towards the top. It looks… it looks like a butt plug.

Isak laughs as Even hands him the ornament, “The honour’s all yours,” Even says.

“Thanks,” Isak says in between his laughter and he reaches up to put to pin on top of the Christmas tree. “There, all done,” Isak says, and he looks at Even, catches him watching Isak already.

It’s intimate, the two of them in the soft light of the Christmas tree, sharing laughter.

This time Isak is the one breaking the tension between them. “I’m going to make some more chocolate milk,” Isak says, stepping away from Even.

Even’s face falls as Isak hightails out of the room, cowardly hiding in the kitchen

When he comes back out a few minutes later, Even is standing by the window, looking out.

“Come here for a moment,” Even says, when he notices Isak.

Isak puts the cups down and walks up to Even.

He feels something shift the moment he comes to stand next to Even, a smile blossoms on Even’s face as he looks up, faux surprise written all over his face.

“Well, would you look at that!” he says, and Isak follows his eyes up, “We are standing under mistletoe.”

“I guess we are,” Isak says, almost out of breath from anticipation.

Even’s eyes find his again, and Isak swallows, searches them. When Even just keeps looking, waiting for Isak to make the first move, Isak leans in, slowly, eyes flitting from Even’s eyes to Even’s lips.

Even closes the last few centimetres, his lips slotting over Isak’s, his hands finding a place around Isak’s waist.

“Merry Christmas,” Even whispers against Isak’s lips, and Isak smiles.

“Merry Christmas,” he whispers back, kissing Even again, and again.


	12. twelve

Isak watches Even from across the room, he has a big smile on his face, his eyes crinkled, his head thrown backwards on a laugh and Isak wants to stop time to capture the moment.

Even catches his eye and tilts his head slightly, throwing Isak a kiss, making Isak roll his eyes, but also making his heart skip a beat. Like he’s still seventeen and every little thing Even does makes his heart flutter. Maybe that never stopped, though, maybe it will never stop.

He watches Even explain something to Mikael with big gestures, both of them erupting in laughter.

And Isak’s heart… aches.

He wants Even more than he wants anything in his life.

There’s a clarity in Isak’s brain as he makes his way towards Even. He weaves through their friends, brushing shoulders with Eva, arms thrown around Jonas, bumping softly into Magnus, wrapped around Vilde, he feels Eskild’s fingers carding through his curls but doesn’t stop to hug his guru, he keeps going until he’s by Even’s side.

Even immediately turns to him, kisses him softly.

“Okay?” Even asks and Isak nods.

“Five more minutes!” someone shouts in the background but Isak isn’t paying attention, all senses focused on the boy in front of him.

“Come with me,” Isak says, almost a whisper and starts to pull on Even’s hand.

They end up outside, the cold air hitting them like a freight train, making their breath come out in little puffs of smoke.

Isak grabs Even’s hand, kisses the knuckles and breathes softly for a beat.

Even just watches him, waiting.

“I need you to know I’m not drunk,” Isak says, and Even smiles, nods and waits for the rest, “I need you to know that I mean every word I’m about to say,” Isak goes on, stepping into Even, softly knocking their foreheads together.

Even’s hands go around Isak’s waist, their breath mingles and their eyes close as Isak kisses Even softly before leaning away slightly so he can look at Even properly.

“I love you more than anything. You are the man of my life, the one I want to grow old with,” Even’s eyes grow big as Isak continues.

“Even, I’m not one for big speeches,” Isak says, as the countdown begins inside.

“So just…,” Isak locks eyes with Even, smiling softly as he sees the love in his boyfriend’s eyes, “Please make me the happiest man in the world and marry me.”

Even surges forward into a bruising kiss as inside a cheer erupts.

“Yes, I’ll marry you,” Even says, as the fireworks above them light up, painting the sky in the most beautiful colours


	13. thirteen

Even comes home from his shift at KB, tired, and smelling of coffee and sweat.

The first thing he notices when he walks through the door is the soft Christmas music playing. Isak isn’t exactly a grinch, but he’s also not the kind of person that plays Christmas music by themselves.

So, Even is slightly confused, even more so when he walks into the living room/bedroom and finds it filled with candles, Isak standing in the middle of the room.

He’s wearing the grey sweater, worn so much by both of them, Even no longer remembers whose it really is, and loose sweatpants.

He looks soft and Even can’t help but walk forward, place a kiss on Isak’s lips.

“What’s this all for?” he asks.

Isak pecks him on the lips, once twice, then a lingering kiss on his cheek, “One year ago, I thought I lost you,” he whispers, and Even’s heart seems to stop for a beat.

“Today, I want to remember that moment, but most importantly, I want to give a new memory to the ninth of December.”

Even closes his eyes, overwhelmed with love for the boy in his arms.

Isak puts his hands on Even’s cheeks, and Even sighs, feeling protected and loved.

“I love you,” Even whispers, eyes still closed.

Isak hugs him close, arms around his shoulders, Even’s arms around Isak’s waist.

“You’re not alone,” Isak mumbles and Even’s heart soars.


	14. fourteen

Jonas snorts, “Dude, seriously?”

“Yeah, man, what’s with the Grinch attitude here?” Magnus asks, eyes widened.

Isak shrugs, taking a swig from his beer.

“I’d think you’d understand Jonas,” he says, elaborating when Jonas just raises his eyebrows, “It’s all capitalism, a ploy to make us buy presents and spend money on shit no one really wants.”

Jonas smiles, “I mean yeah, but…” he trails off, looking across the room and Isak can see the exact moment he sees Eva, dopey smile appearing on his face, “Santa hats.”

Isak rolls his eyes and turns around, confirming that  _yes_ , Eva is indeed wearing a Santa hat.

“Also mulled wine,” Magnus says, raising his glass and taking another sip.

“Mulled wine is disgusting,” Isak says, making Magnus gasp and taking another sip, as if to prove him wrong.

“What about Christmas trees?” Mahdi asks, pointing to the beautifully decorated Christmas tree in the middle of the bar.

“You mean that corpse of a tree that is standing in the way? No thanks,” Isak replies.

The three boys roll their eyes at him.

A cheer erupts from across the bar when “All I Want for Christmas is You” starts playing and Isak’s friends all stand up to join the girls in their wild dancing and singing.

Isak knows he’s being a spoilsport to the Christmas joy of the others. They came here for an early Christmas party and instead, he’s been brooding all night.

It’s just that Eskild informed him this morning that he and Linn would be going to their parents for Christmas. Everyone else has plans too, Noora and Vilde are going on a trip, Eva and Jonas are going to the cabin, Sana is going on a birthday trip with her parents, Magnus and Mahdi are spending their Christmas with their parents. Even Chris wasn’t an option as she was introducing Mutta to her parents for the first time.

So, that meant that Isak would be alone for Christmas.

He knows that if he asked someone, they would likely include them in their plans, but Isak doesn’t want to third wheel couples and he definitely doesn’t want to watch families be merry and happy while his is scattered and broken.

All of a sudden, a boy plops down on the chair in front of him, startling him out of his thoughts.

“You look like you have good New Year’s resolutions,” he says and Isak just stares, confused.

The boy is gorgeous, long limbed and piercing blue eyes that seem to look right into Isak’s soul.

“I… what?” Isak stumbles, after several beats too long.

The boy grins, holds out his hand, “I’m Even,”

“Isak,” Isak grabs Even’s hand, trying to ignore the electricity of the touch.

“So, Isak, your New Year’s resolutions?”

Isak frowns, “I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, especially not before Christmas.”

Even laughs, “It’s never too early to better your life!”

When Isak just rolls his eyes, Even’s foot nudges Isak’s under the table, “Come on, for me?” he says, fluttering his eyelashes like an idiot.

Isak should find it ridiculous, but instead he’s enamoured by this random boy.

“Fine,” he grumbles, and Even’s resulting smile is more beautiful than any Christmas decoration Isak has ever seen, “My resolution is to not let myself be bullied into making resolutions by complete strangers in a bar.”

Even’s laugh booms around the room, making some people turn around to the beautiful sound and Isak can’t help but preen, knowing that he’s the reason for that unbridled happiness.

“I guess technically that’s a resolution,” Even says, wiping away tears from laughing.

“What’s yours?” Isak asks, when it’s been silent for too long and he fears Even might get up and walk away.

“Mine?” Even asks, pointing at himself, making Isak roll his eyes at him, “My resolution was to talk to the prettiest boy on campus, but I couldn’t wait until after New Year, not when he was sitting here all alone.”

Isak blushes when he realises Even is talking about him, “Guess you’ll have to make a new resolution, now,” he says.

Even smiles gently, tilting his head, “Oh, I did. My new resolution is kissing the pretty boy when the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve.”

They lock eyes, and Isak can’t help the smile curving his lips.

Maybe this Christmas period won’t be too bad after all.


	15. fifteen

Isak comes home from a shift at the hospital, tired and worn down. One of the patients that was released last week, had to come back in today. The cancer is quickly spreading and Isak knows there’s not much they can do.

He closes his eyes as he leans against the wall, lets himself cry as he remembers Ada’s wide eyes and tiny voice. Her little hand in his.

“Isak?” Even’s soft voice makes Isak open his eyes and look at his husband.

“Rough day?” Even asks, and when Isak nods, Even just opens his arms, inviting Isak in them.

After a few minutes, Isak realises Even is not supposed to be home yet. He’s shooting for his upcoming movie and working even longer days than Isak now that he’s nearing his deadline.

“Why are you home?” Isak asks, wiping the tears from under his eyes.

Even opens his mouth to answer, but instead he steps backwards and turns his body away from Isak as he coughs violently.

“I’m sick,” Even says, in between coughs and Isak manages a soft giggle.

“I can see that, yes,” he says, “Get in bed, I’ll take care of you.”

Even whines, “No, you had a rough day, let me take care of you.”

Isak rolls his eyes at him, “You’re ill, Even, get in bed.”

“I’m not that ill,” Even says, right before he sneezes three times, tears springing to his eyes from the force of it.

“Sure…,” Isak deadpans and points to the bed.

He smiles as Even begrudgingly complies and goes to make tea.

When he come back to bed, Even has pulled up the covers high, his hood over his head. He looks snuggly and soft and Isak’s heart aches with how much he loves him.

Isak puts down the tea and goes to grab everything else that can help Even stave off his cold as fast as possible. Isak knows his husband can’t really afford himself much sick days, so the sooner he can go back to work, the better.

After everything is dumped on the bedside table, Even pulls on Isak’s sleeve, “Good, you took care of me, now let me take care of you.”

Isak sighs sadly, “There’s not much you can do, Even. Unless you can magically cure a ten-year-old girl with cancer.”

Even shakes his head, “I can’t. But I can hug you until it feels bearable again, until you feel loved again. I can’t fix her, I can’t make the pain go away for you, but I can help you carry it.”

Even raises the covers, and Isak crawls under them, nose pressed against Even’s collarbone, hands fisted in his shirt.

“I hate this,” Isak mumbles.

“I know, baby. I’m so sorry,” Even hums, his long arms wrapped tightly around Isak, one hand in his curls, the other drawing circles on his back.

As the snow outside continues to fall, the two boys remain wrapped up in each other, sharing soft words and even softer kisses.

Even after many years, the words still ring true. Isak will save Even, and Even will save Isak right back.


	16. sixteen

Even planned it all out. He was going to take Isak out for dinner, and after they were going to go swimming (without breaking in this time). Then, they would go to a hotel room, which would be filled with flowers and candles and Even would ask Isak to marry him.

It would be epic and romantic.

In the end, however, it didn’t go like that at all.

It was a week before the big date, and Even was so busy planning the whole deal, working extra hours to pay for everything that he barely saw Isak.

He snuck in, late at night, thinking Isak would probably be sleeping already. However, when he walked into their kitchen to get a glass of water, there Isak was.

His eyes stood hard, his mouth a thin line, a rigidness to his shoulders that told Even he was in trouble.

“Where were you?” Isak asked, almost spitting out the words.

“I was working late,” Even said, cautiously making his way closer to his boyfriend.

“Again? You’ve been working late almost every day this week. And if you’re not working, you’re on your phone or out with friends. What’s going on, Even?” Isak sounded angry but underneath all that anger, Even could hear the fear.

“I’m sorry, Isak, I’ll cut back on hours, soon,” Even says, taking a seat next to Isak.

“What’s going on?” Isak repeats, eyes locking on Even’s.

“Nothing, Isak, I’m just working a lot.”

Isak’s chair scrapes loudly over the floor when he stands up, “That’s bullshit and we both know it. If you’re not going to be honest with me, this conversation is not worth having and I’m going to Jonas.”

Even’s hand shoots out to grab Isak’s wrist before he can walk out of the kitchen, “No, Isak, please,” he says.

Isak looks at him, waiting. When Even opens and closes his mouth, not knowing what to say, Isak sighs and starts leaving again.

“I’m saving up for this big date,” Even almost shouts, making Isak stop in his tracks.

“What?” Isak asks, turning back around to face Even, “That’s stupid, why would you do that?”

Even rakes a hand through his hair, “Isak, please,” he begs.

“No, tell me,” the younger boy says, crossing his arms.

“I was going to ask you to marry me,” Even says, looking down at the floor.

“You were going to ask me to marry you?” Isak’s voice sounds tiny, unbelieving.

Even looks up, not wanting there to be any doubts in Isak’s mind, not about this.

“Yes,” he says, holding Isak’s eyes, trying to convey how much he means this. How badly he wants to marry his boy.

Isak leaps forward, crawling into Even’s lap, “yes,” he says, in between kisses.

For a moment, Even thinks he’s only repeating him, like he did before, but then realisation strikes, he said yes.

He draws back a bit from the kiss to look Isak in the eyes, “I’m sorry, are you sure you-”

Isak cuts him off with a bruising kiss, “yes, Even, yes, I’ll marry you.”

Even wraps his arms around the younger boy, throwing his whole being into the kiss. Heady and high on happiness.

The kiss soon turns dirty, accompanied by slow, torturous grinds by Isak’s hips and Even’s hands splayed on Isak’s back.

In the end, they don’t go to the restaurant, go swimming or book a hotel. Instead, they decide to use it on their honeymoon.

Later, Even checks them into a hotel and tells the receptionist Isak is his husband and the smile they share is soft and loving.


	17. seventeen

The smoke burns his throat and lungs and he promised Isak he would stop smoking. But tonight Isak isn’t here, he’s studying late with Sana, prepping for a test, and Even feels the anxiety coursing through his veins. It’s like an animal, running from his toes up to his head and back. Over and over until his muscles shake. He once explained the feeling to Isak, told him it’s separate from his bipolar, and Isak had nodded, told him he got that too. Told him that he should tell him when that happens. Cuddles help. Or ranting. Or dancing with Isak, music blasted too loud for the time of the night. Sex helps. Or crying. But Isak isn’t here and his school is more important than Even having another breakdown, brought forth by nothing but his own feeling of not being good enough. So he doesn’t call Isak and lights up another cigarette, let’s the smoke burn.

He’s in the middle of his fourth cigarette in a row, when the front door opens and closes. Even tries to get rid of the smoke but knows it’s a lost cause. He stands up, waiting for Isak to find him in the kitchen. When he does, the younger boy crinkles his nose at the smell and tips his head.

“What kind of night is this?” he asks and Even could cry.

He shrugs, holds out his hand and Isak immediately steps into his embrace. They don’t talk. Even just lets Isak guide him to bed.

Isak hums a song while Even listens to his heart, counts the beats until he falls asleep.


	18. eighteen

The first time Isak kisses the top of Even’s head, he is in a rush. He’s running out the door, in a hurry to catch his tram to go visit his mother. By the time he registers the soft sigh that escaped Even’s lips, he’s out the door, and thinking he imagined it.

The second time Isak does it, Even is lying in bed. He’s having a bad day. Not a supremely bad day, where he stops talking and eating and just sleeps. Just a bad day. He came home tired, mumbling something about annoying customers and libraries closing too early, before crawling in bed. Isak walks up to Even, bends over and places a kiss on his soft, golden hair while telling Even to relax, he’ll take care of dinner. If he would’ve spoken a bit louder, he would’ve missed the sigh and the way Even relaxes completely into the mattress.

Next time, Isak does it on purpose, paying attention to Even (paying  _more_  attention to Even). They are at a pre-party at Eva’s house and Isak has just stood up to get more beer. “I’ll be right back,” he mumbles into Even’s ear before getting up and placing a soft kiss on Even’s hair, soft, even when gelled up. Even sighs, like Isak theorized he would, and his shoulders lose a bit of the tension they always carry at social events like these.

Isak files the knowledge away, intent of getting to the bottom of why Even reacts like this.

He starts kissing the top of Even’s head everywhere they go: at school, at Even’s mom, at KB, after sex, before dinner…

“Can you… stop?” Even asks him, one night.

Isak has just dodged Even’s lips and went for the top of his head, “Stop what?” Isak asks, aiming for innocent.

Even just raises his eyebrows.

“I thought you liked it,” Isak says, blushing.

“I did… I do, it’s just…”

Isak sits down next to him on the bed, takes his boyfriend’s hand and caresses soft circles in its palm, “tell me.”

“It makes me feel, protected,” Even says, voice almost lowered to a whisper.

Isak preens, happy he can make his boyfriend feel that way, “That’s good, though, is it not?”

He looks at his boyfriend. Even is chewing his lip, deep in thought.

“Do you feel like you are not worth the protection?” Isak guesses, and his heart clenches when Even closes his eyes, stays silent. It’s as good as a  _yes_.

Isak turns his body, pushing Even upward a bit more and throwing one leg over Even’s lap so he straddles his boyfriend.

He takes Even’s head in his hands, angles his face up so he can look him in the eye as he speaks, “Listen, I protect you, and you protect me. That’s how this works, okay?”

When Even stays silent, Isak kisses both his cheeks and repeats, “okay?”

Even nods, arms going around Isak’s waist and squeezing him closer, “okay.”

After that, Isak is a little more sparingly with the top of the head kisses, using them with intent. Every kiss carrying  _I’m here, you’re safe_.

Even still sighs after every one, still relaxes every time Isak’s lips touch the top of his head, knowing that Isak means it, means it more than anything.


	19. nineteen

Jonas notices at first at school.

Isak is sitting at the table, complaining about something or someone, when Even arrives and Isak, without missing a beat in his story, presents Even his cheek, just popping it out slightly. Even kisses his cheek softly before engaging in the conversation.

Next time he notices, they are at a party. Even is laughing with Magnus, Even’s low laugh booming. Isak comes back from the kitchen, and Even doesn’t even turns his head fully, just tilts his head up a fraction to let Isak press a kiss to his forehead.

After he notices it, Jonas sees them do this time and time again.

Isak not looking up from his biology books when Even presses a kiss in his curls.

Even only humming when Isak kisses him behind his ear before leaving him to draw in their kitchen.

Isak’s hand grasping Even’s wrist and kissing his pulse point without his eyes ever leaving Sana’s.

Even pulling Isak on his lap and presenting his cheek without a stutter in his conversation with Mikael.

Routine kisses, pressed with care unto the other’s skin.

When Jonas asks Isak if he is aware he’s doing it, Isak shrugs.

“I never thought about it, I guess,” Isak says, “Trust, probably.”

When Jonas asks Even if he is aware he’s doing it, Even smiles.

“I don’t think I’ve noticed, no,” Even says, “True love, probably.”

Jonas guesses they are both right.


	20. twenty

Isak looks at the boy and the older woman.

They are laughing, heads bowed towards each other, like they are sharing secrets. The woman’s hands curled around one of the boy. 

One of the woman’s hands leave the boy’s and instead clutch around the cross around her neck. Her eyes grow wide for a moment, her lips tremble.

There is panic on her face until the boy takes the hand painfully holding on to the cross. He untangles her fingers from around the cross, smooths a thumb over the indentations in her palm. 

She closes her eyes, breathes in.

Breathes out.

Smiles.

They resume talking, holding hands. 

She laughs again and the boy’s face lights up, joy pouring out of him.

Isak walks closer, close enough to make out what they are saying and smiles when he hears his name, whispered like a prayer, slipping from the boy’s mouth.

The boy hears him first, raising his head, blue eyes lock with his green.

The woman raises her head next, green on green.

“Halla mamma,” Isak says, “sorry I’m late.”


	21. twenty-one

Mornings are Even’s favourite thing in in the world.

Sunlight slipping through the cracks, making abstract figures of shadow and light for Even to make stories about.

Deep breaths, and mumbles slipping from dream into awareness.

Slow blinks, forest green behind long lashes. Languid stretches, arms and legs strewn over one other. Leeching warmth and affection and love.

Even’s fingers on Isak’s back, tracing his spine, revelling in the soft sighs escaping from Isak’s lips.

Isak’s fingers on Even’s jaw, his eyes still closed as he angles Even’s head downward.

Their lips meet, languid and unhurried.

It’s a “good morning”, it’s a “I’m happy you’re here”, it’s a “I love you”.

Hands wandering without real intent, just to touch.

Isak slowly waking up more, pushing his body closer and closer to Even’s, until he’s lying on top of him.

Even’s arms wound around his boyfriend’s waist.

More kisses, their lips gliding over each other like they are slow dancing to a song no one hears.

A soft sound, almost like a purr escaping Isak’s throat when Even’s hands trail up to his jaw, pushing open his mouth with his thumb.

Deepening their kiss until Isak smiles into it and Even kisses the upturned corners of his mouth.

Isak hums as he meets Even’s lips once more.

“Breakfast?” Even whispers, lips still attached to Isak.

The word travels from Even’s mouth to Isak’s, where he swallows it whole and feeds Even one of his own, “Yes”

Or maybe… Isak is Even’s favourite thing in the world.


	22. twenty-two

Isak didn’t like Even. Which was convenient because Even hated Isak.

It hadn’t started of like that. Even had been enamoured and curious about the boy after hearing his co-worker-turned-friend, Jonas, talk about Isak all the time.

The first time Isak came into the coffeeshop, Even’s heart had skipped several beats. He had stuttered his way through Isak ordering his coffee and the shy smile Isak had shot him had set his heart aflame.

Jonas had laughed when Even asked him whether Isak was single.

“Come to the party,” Jonas had said.

Even hadn’t been this nervous to go to a party in forever. He bribed his friends to come with him and they had lovingly teased him about his crush.

It had been fun and loving and Even felt like this could be the start of something wonderful.

And then everything went to shit.

They had been sitting outside, Even and Isak sharing secret smiles, when Jonas pulled out a joint.

“Anyone wants to share?” he had asked.

Even’s friends had bowed out, they didn’t smoke. Even, however, had debated accepting the offer. It fucked with his medication, but maybe if he got a bit more mellow, he would dare to talk to Isak.

Mikael had looked at him, frown on his face, and Even had sighed, about to tell Jonas no when Isak spoke up.

“Don’t offer weed to him, Jonas, it’s not good for him.”

Even had whipped his head around, eyes zeroing in on Isak.

Isak wasn’t meeting his eyes, instead having a silent conversation with Jonas.

Rationally, Even knew he shouldn’t make a big deal of it, but Isak’s meddling reminded him of Sonja, of his parents, of everyone in his life always making his decisions for him.

So, it came out much more spiteful when he said, “Thank you for making up my mind for me.”

Isak’s eyes grew big as saucers, taken aback by the aggression in Even’s voice.

“Dude,” Elias whispered, shaking his head.

Even had taken the joint and inhaled deeply, keeping eye contact with Isak.

Isak had just rolled his eyes, “Fine, whatever,” he said, before getting up and leaving.

Later, Even had seen him wrapped another boy, and he had tried to ignore the stab to his heart, instead focusing on the annoyance he still felt.

It had gotten from bad to worse since then, them only sharing a few harsh words, trying to ignore them best as they could, which only got harder as their friend groups started mingling and becoming one.

Even now had to see Isak at least once a week, and he hated it.

Except he also couldn’t help but see how good Isak was. How he subtly tried to let Mikeal know it was okay to be in love with Adam. How his face softened and he spoke gentle words on the phone with his mother. How he teased his friends mercilessly, but stood up from them without questions asked. How he loved, deeply.

And sometimes Even couldn’t help but laugh with Isak’s quick wit. Smile, when Isak got drunk and convinced he could rap.

He couldn’t help how his heart fluttered when Isak started talking about science, defending his passion, laying out his genius.

“You’re in love with him,” Adam said, blunt as ever.

Even would point out how hypocritical he was being, except he wasn’t a dick (no matter what Isak thought of him).

“That’s bullshit, I hate him,” he said.

Mutta scoffed, “Yeah, like Yousef hates Sana.”

Yousef made an indignant sound before, “He’s kinda right, yeah.”

“I’m not in love with him,” Even said, refraining from stomping his foot like a petulant child.

“If it’s any consolation, he’s also in love with you,” Elias said, grinning when Even turned to him, too fast to pretend he wasn’t interested in that bit of information, “Sana told me.”

If Sana said so, it must be true, Even guessed.

He went home that night, thinking of what his friends had said. Was he in love with Isak?

Even couldn’t deny how most of his thoughts were about the younger boy, and maybe he had to admit that most of those thoughts weren’t really negative.

Was it love to be thinking about the boy’s eyes? His cupid bow, and adorable teeth behind it. His curls catching the sunlight and making him look like an angel. His hands as he explained something. His smirk when he caught Even looking. His long legs. His lithe body, stronger than anyone would give him credit for.

“Shit,” Even breathed in the dark of his room, he was in love.

He clicked on the light next to his bed and pulled out his notebook and a pencil.

**Even’s ten ( ~~eleven~~ ) step plan to getting the most beautiful boy on earth, Isak (back)**

**1.** **Stop being a dick**

**2.** **Bring him coffee**

**3.** **Compliment his ~~ass~~ brains**

**4.** **Laugh at his jokes**

**5.** **Talk to him like a normal human being (whatever that is)**

**6.** **Spend time with him alone**

**7.** **Get him to watch movies with you**

**8.** **Tell him about your feelings**

**9.** **Kiss him**

**10.** **Date him**

~~**11.** **Marry him** ~~

He re-read his list and scoffed at himself.

“This is stupid,” he mumbled before turning the light back off and going to sleep.

Over the next couple of days, he set in motion step one and two. He didn’t make any snide remarks, made a cup of coffee when he made coffee for the others and tried to smile at Isak.

Isak, in turn, only raised his eyebrows at Even, confusion plain on his face.

One night Isak is tipsy and telling their friends about one of his patients and Even tells him he’s really smart.

Isak looks at him, eyes wide, pupils blown.

And Even is screwed, the want screaming in his head.

He’s even more screwed when he sees Isak leaving with someone else that night.

“Tell him how you feel,” Jonas says, appearing out of nowhere.

Even would ask how he knew he was harbouring feelings for Isak, but the pining from across the room for an entire night, might’ve given him away completely.

“There’s a list, with steps, Jonas… A list!” Even exclaims

Jonas just raises his eyebrows, “Whatever you say, dude. Just don’t wait too long, you’re not the only one with eyes.”

Jonas’ words haunt Even for the next couple of days. He re-reads his list a hundred times, struck with the stupidity of it, but unable to do anything about it.

Until fate takes matters into her own hands.

They are pre-partying at Mikael’s apartment. Both Isak and Even are refraining from drinking. The first because he’s on call at the hospital, the second for multiple reasons, his meds, his friends, Isak…

When the doorbell rings, Isak stands up to pay for the pizza.

“Get the money out of my wallet,” Even says, “It’s my turn to pay. My wallet is in my coat pocket, you can just take it out.”

Isak nods, a little less fazed by Even’s friendliness.

It’s when Even stretches to take his glass of coke when he realises his wallet is on him. The thing in his coat pocket, however, is his notebook, turned open to the list.

Isak enters the living room, pizza in hand, blush high on his cheekbones.

“Can we talk?” he whispers to Even as their friends attack the pizza.

Even nods, fear low in the pit on his stomach.

“I found your list,” Isak says, as the door to Mikael’s bedroom closes behind them.

“Shit, I’m sorry-“

“I’d like to skip to step nine and ten,” Isak says, soft smile on his lips.

Even’s heart stutters, “Really?”

“Really.”

“Isak,” Even breathes, before surging forward and capturing Isak’s lips in a kiss.

Isak smiles into the kiss.

Later, they will talk about what had happened so many months ago. Isak will apologize for meddling in Even’s business, Even will apologize for letting his past experiences cloud his judgement.

Later, Isak will tease Even for step eleven.

Much later, Even will ask Isak if it’s time for step eleven. Isak will say yes.

Now, they kiss until their friends catcall them from behind the door.

Now, Isak slips his hands under Even’s shirt.

Now, Even whispers Isak’s name over and over.

Now is good


	23. twenty-three

Isak was distant and irritated, and Even didn’t know what to do.

When Even had picked him up from school, Isak had reacted annoyed, told him he could walk home all by himself, he didn’t need Even to hold his hand.

Magnus had rolled his eyes at Isak and teasingly called him a spoiled brat. When Isak snapped at him that he should mind his own fucking business, Even had realised something was wrong.

Isak could be harsh, sarcastic and even slightly arrogant, but he was never cruel.

As Even saw Magnus shrinking in on himself, he saw a part of Isak he had never seen before.

“Good luck,” Jonas told him after Isak had stormed of, leaving Even bewildered.

Coming home, Isak had thrown his bag in the corner, and sat down at the kitchen table, laptop open, earbuds is and blasting music.

Even didn’t know what to do, how to act towards this part of Isak. He saw how Isak clenched his jaw, eyes hard and unwilling to meet Even’s.

“Do you want to talk?” Even asked him, and deflated when his boyfriend only answered by shaking his head, still not looking up from his screen.

“I’ll be on the bed if you change your mind,” Even mumbled.

He sat down on the bed, his own coursework in hand and heart in the back of his throat.

Unable to focus, Even felt his eyes shifting to the doorway every few minutes, hoping to see Isak. He realised they had never fought like this.

When they fought, it was with loud voices, big gestures, more than a few tears.

It was usually about Even feeling insecure in his self-worth, or Isak not having slept for a couple days. It was always with an undercurrent of love and trust.

Now, though… now it felt suffocating, like Even was drowning in the pure anger radiating of his boy.

He sighed, throwing his papers on the ground and padding back to the kitchen, determined to try and get Isak to talk.

“Listen, Isak, I get it, you’re angry, but holding it in isn’t going to help. I’d rather you just yell at me than –“ Even stopped talking as he rounded the corner and walked in the kitchen.

Isak was still sitting behind his computer screen, but instead of furiously typing away at the keyboard, he was hunched over, head in his hands.

Even could see his shoulders shake and with a start he realised Isak was crying.

He hurried forward, kneeling next to Isak’s chair, “Don’t cry, baby,” he pleaded.

Even softly pulled at Isak’s shoulder and to his surprise, Isak immediately turned into Even’s arms.

“I’m so sorry,” Isak cried, clinging to Even.

Even just rubbed his back, unable to say anything else.

When he tried to get up, Isak made a terrible broken sound that made Even’s heart painfully skip a beat, “I’m not trying to get away, I just want to move this to bed,” Even explained.

Isak nodded but didn’t stop clinging to Even who saw no other solution than to pick his boyfriend up under his thighs and carry him to bed.

He miraculously succeeded in getting them both unscathed in bed and contented himself with tucking Isak’s head under his chin and resuming rubbing Isak’s back.

“What happened, Is?” he whispered when the worst seemed to have passed.

Isak raised his head to look at his boyfriend. The tears in his eyes made them shine and Even was struck with how beautiful his boyfriend was, even when his face was swollen from crying.

“Pappa called,” Isak said, voice hoarse from crying. Even frowned, confused, it had been going well between Isak and his father. They would never really be able to completely fix what had happened, but his father had been trying. They had even gone for dinner with him and Isak’s mamma a couple of times.

“What did he say?” Even asked.

Isak’s face crumpled again as if he would start crying once more. Even kissed him softly, and this seemed to give his boyfriend strength again.

“He started seeing someone new. I knew this would happen,” Isak heaved a sigh, searching for words, “It’s not like I don’t want him to be happy… I think… It’s just, he called me during lunch break as if he knew I would react badly and this way I couldn’t make a scene!” Isak’s eyes light up with the burning embers of the anger.

As Even softly pulled Isak’s hair, the fight leaves the younger boy again, “He’s such an asshole, Even,” Isak’s voice wavered, his lower lip wobbling.

Even just pulled him closer to his chest, “I know… I’m so sorry, baby, I know,” he murmured against Isak’s hair, finally making his boyfriend relax.

Even watches Isak’s shoulders slump down, his fists unclench. He hears how Isak’s breath evens out. Feels how his heartbeat resumes a more normal pace.

“I’m so sorry for lashing out,” Isak said and Even hummed.

“Tell Magnus you’re sorry,” to his surprise, Isak doesn’t fight this, just nods, face still smudged against Even’s chest.

“I never wanted you to see this part of me, this anger,” Isak confessed.

It breaks Even’s heart.

“I love you, Isak,” Even said, “Every part of you, even the ugly parts.”

“Okay,” Isak breathed against Even’s chest, and for now, that’s enough.


	24. twenty-four

Isak is drunk. Like, proper, can’t see clearly, can’t walk a straight line, slurs all his words,  _drunk_.

It’s been a while he’s been this drunk. Hasn’t felt the need to get this drunk since he came out and stopped trying to get it on with girls.

But see, the thing is… Isak is in… not love, that’s too strong… in crush.

Isak is in crush with a boy. Not just any boy. He’s in crush with the prettiest boy in the world.

His name is Even, and he has eyes bluer than the swimming pool his neighbours had when he was a child. His hair like, defies gravity or something? It’s always up and probably full of gel but still it looks so soft to touch and Isak just wants to… pull it.

Someone next to him snorts and Isak turns his head to look at Jonas.

“Dude, your crush is getting pathetic,” Jonas laughs and Isak blushes as he realises his internal monologue wasn’t so much internal as he had thought.

“Yeah, just go talk to him,” Magnus says.

Isak sighs, immensely put out, “How can I go talk to him when he looks like that,” he says, pointing at Even’s everything, “and I look like this?” He gestures to himself, sloshing beer over his hand in the process.

“Well, you got a point there,” Mahdi says and Isak sighs dejectedly.

Jonas rolls his eyes at them both, “Listen, I’m sure he wants to talk to you too, considering he’s been throwing looks your direction all night.”

Isak’s head whips up, and he looks from Jonas to Even, “Really?”

Jonas nods sincerely.

“Good, I’ll go… I’ll go talk to him!” Isak says, getting up (with a little help from Jonas).

As he walks over to Even, he tries to come up with a good opening line, something to blow the other of his feet (and hopefully later he’ll get to blow something else).

But as he gets closer, Isak gets more and more unsure of himself. Even is even prettier from up close and Isak is slowly losing the little confidence he had.

Just as he’s about to turn back around, however, Even turns around and locks eyes with Isak.

Even’s eyes go from surprised to soft and Isak feels the butterflies in his stomach working overtime.

“Hi,” Even says, smiling gently at Isak.

Isak gapes, transfixed by the moles on Even’s skin, the way his eyes seem to light up from the inside out. Even is so beautiful and Isak is standing there like an idiot, until, “Stop being so attractive!”

Even just looks at him for a second before one of the guys behind him begins to laugh and Even blushes.

And no, that won’t do. If Even was attractive when being confident, blushing Even is like kryptonite to Isak and he just can’t deal with it.

He groans and puts his hands over Even’s cheeks, “No, don’t do that, you’re too pretty,” he whines and the guy behind Even sounds like he’s choking from laughing so hard.

“I’m… sorry?” Even says, and Isak can feel him starting to blush even harder under his hands.

“It’s not your fault,” Isak says morosely, “You can’t help it;”

At that moment Jonas shows up and he slowly and gently takes Isak’s hands away from Even’s cheeks, “Okay, buddy, I’m going to take you out of here before this gets even more embarrassing.”

“No, Jonas, you don’t get it. I was coming up here to tell him I’ve been in crush with him for weeks but he’s too pretty, Jonas, I got distracted,” Isak whines, ignoring Jonas who’s been trying to get him to shut up.

“I’m so sorry, I swear normally he’s less of a mess,” Jonas says to Even.

Even just chuckles, immensely fond eyes still on Isak, “It’s okay. Just get him home safe.”

Jonas nods and sets out to do just that.

*

When Isak wakes up the next morning, the memories come rushing back and he groans.

He pads in the kitchen where Jonas is already sitting with a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Jonas, please tell me I’m remembering it worse than it was,” Isak says, pouring a cup of coffee himself.

Jonas laughs, “No such luck, buddy, it was probably even worse than what you remember.”

Isak groans again, letting his head fall onto the table with a thump, “Why are we friends if you don’t even protect me from my own stupidity?”

His best friend snorts before handing Isak a slip of paper with a number on it, “I think this might be why we’re friends.”

Isak looks from the paper to Jonas, “You got his number?”

“He gave it to me, just before we left. I don’t know why, but whatever you did must’ve worked, he asked me to have you text him,” Jonas says, wide smile on his face.

Isak snatches the piece of paper and races back to his room to get his phone. He tries not to overthink what he sends, after all, overthinking it was what got him in this mess in the first place.

So, after about ten drafts, he presses send.  

 **Isak:** I’m sorry about yesterday. I hope I didn’t ruin my chances before they even began.

He doesn’t have to wait long before Even answers.

 **Even:** I’m so happy you texted. You really didn’t, in fact, I hope you’ll let me take you out. Tomorrow? I’ll make you dinner and I’ll even wear a hideous shirt and some glasses if you still think I’m too attractive

 **Isak** : Shut up  
 **Isak:** I’d love that  
 **Isak:** Wear your sexiest shirt, I can handle it

When Even just sends him back his address, the time and a heart, Isak figures the embarrassment was worth it.

Or maybe even more than worth it, he thinks the next day, as his lips are attached to Even’s; Even’s sexiest shirt somewhere forgotten on the floor.

Definitely more than worth it.


	25. twenty-five

“We are not friends!”  Isak says and Even snorts, raising his head from where he was sucking a hickey into Isak’s neck.

“Is this really the time to discuss this?” Even asks, cocky grin on his face and if Isak was a little less turned on, he would’ve pushed Even off him.

“We wouldn’t have to discuss this if you didn’t go around telling people we’re friends with benefits. When we so clearly aren’t…”

“Friends, yeah, I get it, Isak,” Even interrupts him and if Isak didn’t know better, he would say Even looked sad.

But that’s… That’s not possible, right?

Even was the one proposing this, so many weeks ago. Isak had just broken up with his boyfriend after catching him in bed with someone else and Even had been single for a while now, having broken up with Sonja a year ago.

They were at a party, both tipsy and horny, Isak loudly complaining to Jonas about that fact. Even had dropped down next to Isak and said, “I’ll have sex with you,” making Isak almost choke in his own tongue.

Jonas had taken that moment to slip away, leaving Isak alone with Even. “What the fuck, Even?” You don’t even like me?” He had said and Even had shrugged.

“Does it matter?”

Isak had figured it didn’t, Even didn’t need to like him. He could remain an acquaintance: the best friend of his best friend’s roommate. It was all good. Isak could fuck Even without catching feelings.

What was there to catch? Even was an annoying art hipster. Stuck up and judgemental.

Except that… Except that Even offered Isak the last bite of his sandwich sometimes. And when Isak broke up with Julian, Even had brought him 3 top-notch joints. And sometimes, late at night, when Isak felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, Even would notice he was online on Facebook and he would send him stupid memes until Isak laughed and called him an idiot.

Sometimes, when Even was pressing searing kisses onto Isak’s skin and moaned Isak’s name against his throat, Isak would get the irrational desire to tell him he loved him. But that was hormones, right? Sex hormones, fucking with his brain.

Isak tried to push these thoughts aside as Even bend his head over Isak’s neck again, working on the bruise that was slowly forming there.

By the time they were both naked and panting in the sheets, Isak had forgotten all about it.

It was only when his release came, and Even whispered an almost broken “baby” in the crook of Isak’s neck, Isak realised it with a shock, he had caught feelings. Like an idiot.

*

“What do I do?” Isak asked his best friend for the third times in half an hour, resulting in Jonas hitting him over the head.

“Listen, Isak, if you don’t stop being a ridiculous dumbass, I can’t help you, buddy,” he said over Isak’ indignant squeak.

“I don’t know what you want of me, Jonas!” Isak almost yelled in frustration and Jonas rolled his eyes at him.

“You’re an idiot.”

Isak opened his mouth to answer when the front door opened and in walked the subject of all his thoughts and dreams for the last 48 hours.

“Isak!” Even said, surprise colouring his voice.

Isak felt himself blushing, the realisation only making him blush harder.

Next to him, Jonas sighed and exchanged looks with Mikael, who Isak until then hadn’t even noticed had also walked in the room.

“Hey Jonas,” Mikael suddenly said, voice way too cheery to be sincere, “You know, I totally forgot, be we still have to go over that thing…” he trailed off, waving his hand around, “you know, that boring, household thing.”

Jonas nodded exaggeratedly, “Right, yes, we do! Let’s do that now!” he jumped up, walked to Mikael’s side, yelling over his shoulder, “Isak, Even, feel free to stay… and you know… talk, or something.”

Isak rolled his eyes at his friend’s theatrics, wincing as the door slammed shut behind them.

“Well… that was… something,” Even said and Isak laughed.

The laughing quickly died in his throat when he realised he now was really alone with Even, however. Alone, fully dressed.

Even looked at him, the intensity of his eyes making Isak both nervous as turned on, an effect Even regularly had on Isak.

“I just…”

“You know…”

They both spoke at the same time, making them laugh, and breaking the tension.

“You first,” Even said, gesturing to Isak as he sat down opposite of him.

Isak ran his hand through his curls, bit his lip, “I just wanted to say I was sorry, about the other night,” when Even just raised his eyebrows, Isak elaborated, “about us not being friends? We are… Friends, that is. We are friends.”

And Isak knew he wasn’t imagining it when he saw how Even’s face lighted up from the inside the moment he called them friends. It was fascinating to watch, the pure joy radiating from Even. Isak felt like he didn’t deserve it, he had been such a jerk to Even, but still the older boy looked like Isak gave him the biggest gift by calling them friends.

“What were you going to say?” Isak asked Even and watched in fascination how Even blushed, and god, how Isak wanted to kiss that blush of his cheeks.

“It doesn’t matter, we’re friends now,” Even said and Isak frowned, confused about what Even could mean.

“No, tell me,” Isak said and when Even shook his head, refusing to meet Isak’s eyes, Isak realised he had to play dirty if he wanted Even to tell him what was on his mind.

He stood up and walked around the table, delighted in the way Even’s eyes followed him and grew darker with every step Isak set in his direction.

Isak sat on Even’s lap, leaned slowly forward until his lips were hovering just above Even’s.

“Tell me,” he whispered and Even whimpered before shaking his head once more.

Isak licked a wet stripe up Even’s neck, ending with a nip to the sensitive spot behind Even’s ear.

“Tell me,” he whispered again, lips to Even’s ear.

“Isak, please,” Even’s begged, hands clenching and unclenching in Isak’s shirt, “Please just kiss me.”

Isak leaned in again but right before their lips met, he spoke again, “You need to tell me first.”

Even cursed under his breath before heaving a deep sigh, “I was wondering, since you didn’t want to be my friend, if you wanted to be my boyfriend.’

Everything was dead silent and stock still for a moment before Isak surged forward, capturing Even’s lips in a bruising kiss.

“Fuck,” Even said, before dragging Isak closer by his hips, throwing his all into kissing him.

“Yes, Even, I’ll be your boyfriend,” Isak said as they came up for air and if the happiness on Even’s face had been beautiful when Isak called them friends, the happiness radiating of Even right now was almost too much to look at.

“Shit, Jonas was right, we are idiots,” Isak said and Even laughed.

“Yeah, Mikael told me the same.”

They laughed, staring into each other’s eyes before letting their lips meet again.

*

A month later, Isak blurted out he loved Even while they were watching Friends re-runs and Even looked so full of joy that Isak felt like no art work could ever come near the beauty that was his boyfriend.


	26. twenty-six

Isak has been awake for 20 hours and 30 cups of coffee. As he pours his 31st cup, he thinks, not for the first time, about the irony of doctors ruining their health to save others. He’s only a junior doctor, in his first year of working at Oslo’s university hospital, but he’s already accustomed to the long working hours.

He thinks his insomnia during his teenage years might’ve helped with that too, build up a resistance to tiredness.

Today however, had been a nightmare. It had been unusually busy and by some godawful streak of bad luck, Isak’s mentor had been out of town for a convention and Isak had been the one backing her up.

Sana walks into the break room, her normally perfectly applied eyeliner slightly smudged, her lipstick fading on the inside of her lips. She smiles at him and Isak smiles back.

“You look tired,” they say, at the same time, making both of them laugh like idiots high on too little sleep.

“You should go home,” Isak says, knowing that Sana has been here even longer than him, one of her patients getting rushed in just as she was about to leave, five hours ago.

Sana shrugs, waves some patient file in the air, “I have one more and then I can go.”

Isak takes it from her, skimming through the file, “I can take this for you,” he says.

He can see her debating whether or not to take him up on that offer, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Sana, go. You need your bed even more than I do.”

He knows Sana would do the same for him. After years of friendship and struggling to get through the same degree, they have developed a close friendship. They are both harder on the outside than on the inside, and somewhere along the road, they decided to take care of each other.

Sana smiles softly and nods, “Thanks, Isak.”

“You’re welcome, best bud,” Isak says and laughs as Sana flips him off while walking out of the room.

As Isak walks towards the patient’s room, he skims through the file again. It’s pretty standard, patient’s name is Even Bech Næsheim, he’s only a few years older than him, and had a bad fall.

Considering it’s Saturday and very early in the morning, Isak prepares himself to a drunkard. He rights his shoulders as he gets to the examination room, steeling himself against what’s behind the door.

When he pushes open the door and sees Even, he’s sure he’s actually already in bed and this is a dream.

Even is gorgeous, long limbs and sharp edges. His blue eyes sparkle from across the room and Isak gets lost in them a second too long to be professional.

When Even laughs, Isak is shaken out of his stupor and he walks fully inside the room, “Sorry about that, mister Bech Næsheim,” he says, trying to hide his blush.

Even just smiles at him, “Call me Even,” he says, holding out his hand, covered in paint splashes.

Isak shakes his hand, hoping he isn’t sweating too much. He wishes he looked in the mirror before coming in. His hair is probably a mess and the bags under his eyes must look awful.

“So, uhm,” Isak mumbles, eyes strained to Even’s file and desperately hanging on to his professionalism, “tell me what happened.”

Even giggles and the sound is so beautiful that Isak can’t help but look up into Even’s eyes. The grin on Even’s face is sheepish as he runs a hand through his hair.

“Well, I wish I could tell a cool Friday night story, but the sad truth is, I was painting, and I tripped over something because I thought it would be cool to paint by candle light.”

Isak can’t help the snort from escaping, but just as he’s about to apologize he sees the happy grin on Even’s face, so he just smiles back.

“Where does it hurt?” Isak asks, and Even points to his ankle, “Let’s check for fractures.”

Isak walks to the edge of the bed, as Even swings his feet on the mattress, giving Isak easy access to his ankle.

Isak notices how pretty Even’s ankles are and that… Who even noticed something like that? He takes Even’s ankle in his hands, softly to not hurt him, and starts pressing his fingers into the meat to look for any anomalies.

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he says, a standard question, but he makes the mistake of looking into Even’s eyes, his voice lower and huskier than he intended. He watches Even’s eyes grow darker, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“I’m feeling…,” Even starts to say, before Isak twist his ankle a certain way and the older boy yelps, almost jumping off the bed.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” Isak says, eyes wide and panicked.

“It’s okay, you were doing your job,” Even reassures him, wide smile back on his face.

A job Isak could’ve done better if he wasn’t so goddamn distracted by how pretty Even is.  _Get it together Valtersen_ , he thinks to himself.

Isak finishes the consultation quickly, making sure not to look Even in the eyes again, not even as he tells him the ankle is bruised but not broken and that he’ll send in a nurse to bandage it up.

He’s out of the room as quickly as possible, calling out to a nurse before hiding in the break room. He almost bashes his head against the wall out of frustration. He’s supposed to be a professional, not a blubbering teenager with a crush.

Isak finishes his paperwork quickly before getting out of his doctor’s coat and putting on his regular coat and scarf.

As he leaves the hospital, he hears someone yell out “doctor”, and although he wants to leave as soon as possible, his ethical code forbids him from ignoring a possible person in need.

However, as he turns around, it’s not someone in need, but rather Even, lounging against the wall of the hospital, cigarette dangling on his lip.

“Sorry, but I didn’t catch your name,” Even says, tilting his head slightly, smiling. He pulls another drag from his cigarette and Isak feels something stir in his pants.

“Smoking is bad for you,” Isak says and Even laughs delighted.

Isak blushes before adding, “Isak, my name is Isak.”

Even pushes himself off the wall, puts out his cigarette and  _swaggers_  in Isak’s direction. Seriously, Isak is impressed by how he manages to walk with so much swagger, considering his injured ankle.

“Well, as you might remember, I was in the middle of saying something earlier in there,” Even says, thumb pointing over his shoulder to the hospital.

Isak nods, overwhelmed by how close Even has gotten.

“I wanted to say, I’m feeling like taking you out.”

Even has ended up right in front of Isak, making Isak tilt up his head slightly in order to look Even in the eyes.

Isak can’t help but roll his eyes at Even’s cheesy line, but at the same time a wide smile creeps up his face, a smile Even immediately answers with one of his own.

“Okay,” Isak says and Even’s smile becomes impossibly wider, his eyes narrowing to slits in his pure joy.

And Isak needs to sleep, he really does, but how can he when there’s a gorgeous boy asking him out. So, he follows Even to the nearest KB and drinks his 32nd cup of coffee across from him, talking about nothing and everything.

And when Isak gets so tired not even Even can keep him awake, Even walks him home, kisses him softly on the cheek and bids him goodnight.

Isak falls asleep staring at the single heart Even sent him, wide smile on his face.


	27. twenty-seven

Even watches the boy throw back a can of beer, and judging by the way he sways on his feet, it’s not his first. He doesn’t know what it is about the boy that intrigues him so much. Besides his striking good looks (god, Even could write poetry about the boy’s cupid bow and his prince curls), Even knows next to nothing about him.

He knows the boy goes to Nissen, and that knowledge sometimes makes Even wish he transferred, like he had planned. He knows he hang out with his friend Jonas at the skatepark sometimes. He knows that the boy has almost a ritual when coming to a party. He’ll drink too much, almost blacking out, before he’ll attach his lips to some girl. He’ll never take her home, however, finding some excuse every time.

Even wishes he knew the boy’s name, wishes he could tell him it’s alright, he’s going to be fine. But he doesn’t, and also, he’s not going to be that creepy guy.

Mikael calls his name, and by the tone of it, it’s not the first time. Even turns to his friend with an apologetic smile and Mikael just rolls their eyes at him.

“Is that him?” Mutta asks, chin pointing to the boy. Even nods and Elias squints as he looks at the boy from across the room, “I feel like I’ve seen him before,” he mumbles to no one in particular.

Even wants to ask for more details but before he can open his mouth, Adam holds up his hands, “No talk about the ‘angel’ today,” he says, making air-quotes around the word angel, “This is the first party in a while we’ve all been able to attend together, and I will not spend it talking about Even’s pathetic crush again.”

Even scoffs as the others laugh. They haven’t seen the boy from up close, they don’t know how his eyes resemble the forest on a beautiful summer day, or how his face looks like when he’s annoyed with something. They don’t realise just how beautiful he is.

“I think we lost him again,” Elias says and Even blushes as he realised he had zoned out again.

He tries to pay attention to his friends, but can’t help but notice when the boy slips outside, jaw a hard line, and shoulders pulled up high.

Mikael snorts next to him, “Even… Go, follow him. Maybe you can finally find out his name and stop moping around.”

Even looks at his friends for a second but when they all urge him to go outside, he hurries out the door.

He sees the boy sitting in the backyard, leaning against a tree. Even slowly walks up to him, pulling out the joint he keeps in his pocket for special occasions. He guesses meeting the love of his life for the first time is a rather special occasion.

The boy looks up and Even is once again struck with how beautiful he is. “Can I sit here?” Even asks and swallows down his nervousness as the boy looks around the backyard as if to point out there is a lot of room, that is not next to him on the cold, damp ground.

He shrugs, however, and Even takes that as permission to sit down and offer him the joint.

The boy looks puzzled for a second before taking the joint, and taking a drag. Even can’t help but watch his lips around the blunt, and imagining those lips wrapped around something else.

He quickly dismisses these thoughts, however and takes back the joint with one hand while holding out the other, “I’m Even,” he says.

“Isak,” the boy - _Isak_ \- answers, grasping his hand.

Even grins at Isak, “What are you doing out here, all alone?”

Isak watches him for a second, swallowing, “I guess I needed a breather,” he says and Even nods, tells him he understands.

They pass the joint back and forth in silence before Isak lets his head fall back against the tree trunk and sighs deeply.

‘Are you okay?” Even asks him and Isak opens one eye, tilts his head to look at Even.

“I guess I had a bit too much to drink,” he says, and laughs softly.

“Yeah, you tend to do that, don’t you?” Even says, before he can stop himself. His heart stops beating when Isak goes to sit up straight again.

“You’ve been watching me?” he asks and Even swallows, notices Isak’s eyes following the movement.

“I guess I have,” Even says and Isak smiles.

“I guess I have too,” he says, and Even’s heart skips a beat, “Don’t tell anyone, though. I’m ‘straight’” Isak makes air-quotes, smiling sadly.

Even can’t help but reach out, tucking a strand of hair behind Isak’s ear, “I won’t tell anyone,” he says, noticing how Isak’s eyes are glued to his lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Isak asks and Even knows this is a bad idea, Isak is clearly drunk and hurting. He most likely would never ask Even this if he wasn’t. But it’s just a kiss, and Isak smells incredible up close, even with the bitter smell of beer around him.

So, Even nods and Isak smiles before diving in. The kiss is not graceful by far, Isak is uncoordinated and sloppy, using too much tongue, and his teeth clashing with Even’s multiple times before Even grabs his face and angles it slightly, slowing down the kiss.

When they break away, Isak’s eyes look glazed over and Even knows he can’t look much better.

Suddenly Isak’s phone makes a sound, his friend Jonas texting him he’s looking for him.

“I need to go,” Isak whispers and Even nods before grabbing Isak’s phone and putting his phone number in it.

“Call me, when you’re ready,” he says and Isak nods gratefully, quickly pressing another kiss to Even’s lips.

He gets up to leave, but before he can, Even makes a decision and grabs his wrist, making Isak turn back to him, “Hey, Isak… stop harming yourself like this!” Even says and Isak’s eyes widen.

Isak steps back into Even, kisses him again and again until his phone starts ringing and Isak untangles himself from Even, walking away with another word.

Even watches him go, his heart in his throat, hoping with all his might that this is not the last time he has kissed him.


	28. twenty-eight

Sex can be a multitude of things.

It can be soft, a gentle coming together of their bodies, whispered words of love. Featherlight kisses and Even’s sighs in Isak’s ear like the rustling of the wind through the leaves. Like they are the only people on this planet, bathed in moonlight.

Sometimes it’s rushed, desperation pressed into his skin. When Even needs and takes, when Isak rips of clothes and kisses bruises into Even’s skin. The sound of skin hitting skin louder than their laboured breathing. The need to suck and lick and bite so high Even’s milky white skin is painted blue.

Other times it’s passion, moans dancing around the room like music. Isak’s legs around Even’s waist, heels pressed into his back to get him closer. Wanting to become one with each other, hands fisted in hair on the right side of pain. Needing to show the other they are loved, loved, loved.

Some mornings it’s lazy, half asleep and giggly. Hands wrapped around each other and lips not leaving each other’s mouth. Isak whining softly high in his throat and Even soothing him into bliss. Grinning around each other’s name, soft words of encouragement and love shared under the blankets.

Once in a while it’s high on lust, backs pressed into bathroom stalls and hands covering mouths to stifle the sounds. Even licking into Isak’s mouth and Isak telling Even to hurry up. It’s freezing when someone enters and muffling laughter, pants dropped down to their ankles. Isak kissing Even, chasing his own taste, giddy from happiness.

Every so often it’s comfort, tearful and painful. Isak taking care of Even, carrying his weight and his sadness. Every thrust paired with a kiss, a promise to love him, no matter what. It’s faces buried in necks, crying out and begging for the other. Soft hands caressing waists, I love you’s pressed into the skin.

Sometimes it’s a stress relief, starting absentminded before their bodies take over. Even kissing Isak’s anxiety into something manageable, Isak pleasing Even until his mind stops screaming. Their moans louder than their fear, their kisses warmer than the cold hands of loneliness.

Maybe once or twice it is anger. Snarled words and hips slapping harder than usual. It’s their bodies coming together, screaming for each other as they scream at each other. Their longing for the other bigger than the anger. Words spitting rage, hands demanding love.

It can be routine, their bodies moving in ways they have moved a million times before. The tv playing in the background, homework forgotten on the floor. Bodies doing what they want to be doing, eyes locked, lips finding each other time and time again.

This is what it always is: it is always love, bigger than either of their bodies can contain. Love, too all-encompassing to carry alone, love better shared in kisses, in skin rubbing against skin, in hands wandering over bodies. It’s always them, honest, open and raw. There are no secrets between their bodies, every sound catalogued, every movement linked to pain or pleasure.

It’s always Isak and Even, Even and Isak, together.


	29. twenty-nine

Isak wakes up the middle of the night, or at least he assumes it’s the middle of the night. The room is pitch black and it takes him a while to realise what woke him up. Then he hears the soft music coming from the kitchen.

Confused, he pats the bed next to him to confirm that Even is not next to him.

He gets out of bed, pulling on some sweatpants and a hoodie to ward off the cold. He pats softly to the kitchen, easily finding his way through the room he and Even made their own a long time ago. He knows where everything is, doesn’t need his eyes to see the pictures and drawings lining the walls. The dent in the wall where Magnus tripped over Jonas’ skateboard and literally almost put a hand through the wall. The little crayon drawing behind the tv from when they were babysitting Even’s little niece and she wanted to draw ‘just like uncle Even’. The stain in the carpet where Isak spilled beer when Even surprised him with a bruising kiss, and whispered declarations of love. He steps over the pile of clothes that always seemed to assemble on and next to that one chair, and rounds the corner to walk into the kitchen.

Even is sitting in the windowsill, cigarette between his lips, his notebook balancing on his knee. The streetlight outside makes a halo around his head and Isak sucks in a sharp breath, once again struck by how beautiful his boyfriend is.

He leans against the doorframe, just watching Even, enjoying the fact that he’s allowed to do this now. Isak can watch Even without guilt or shame. He can watch the slope of his nose, note how full his lips look, how soft they look, however chapped. Isak’s eyes follows his jawline, up to his hair, messy and bouncy from sleep.

Isak has memorised every inch of Even’s face, he could draw him with his eyes shut, but still, every time he looks at him, he feels like he’s seeing him anew. He drinks in Even’s face like a man dying of thirst.

Even slowly turns his head to Isak, he doesn’t startle when he sees him, probably felt the intensity of Isak’s eyes on him before he saw him.

“Hello baby,” Even whispers and Isak’s heart settles. It’s like coming home, time and time again. When Even holds out the hand not holding the cigarette, Isak comes easily, slots his face in Even’s neck, breathes in the scent concentrated there. Even’s hand crawls under Isak’s hoodie, strokes his waist.

“What are you doing?” Isak whisper-asks and Even hums.

“Couldn’t sleep, so I wanted to draw for a bit. Did the music wake you?”

Isak shakes his head, “I think I woke up because you weren’t with me in bed.”

Even kisses the top of Isak’s head, “Sorry, baby.”

“It’s okay,” Isak answers, sleepily mumbled against the warmth of Even’s neck.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Even says, and Isak can hear the smile in his voice. He smiles too, unable and unwilling to answer to Even’s quiet joy.

Even stubs out the cigarette, puts his notebook on the counter and grabs his phone, still playing the music, in one hand and Isak’s hand in the other.

They walk back to bed in the pitch black. Even side steps the playstation controller, always in the middle of the room, instead of neatly in its place. His eyes glide over the scratch on the wall he can’t see but knows is there from when Mutta and Adam moved the table to make room for a party, and overestimated the distance. He steps over the loose floorboard Yousef almost tripped over once. He pushes the blanket with the burn mark from the joint they forgot while making out further under the bed, careful not to fall over it.

Even pulls Isak with him in the bed, the younger boy immediately settles with his head on Even’s chest and counts his heartbeats.

Isak sighs as Even pulls the blanket over them. They’ve been in this position a hundred times by now, Isak’s head on Even’s chest, Even’s hands making slow circles on Isak’s back.

Even reaches for his phone to turn to music off, when Isak makes a sound, “Don’t, leave it on,” he mumbles, already half asleep.

Even is grateful, the softness of the music, paired with the even breathing of Isak so close to him bring him peace. He suspects Isak knows this, that this is the reason why he asked to keep it on.

He pulls his boy closer to him, breathes him in, counts his breaths and lets the music calm him.


	30. thirty

Isak had seen the boy around before. Not only was a tall and thus hard too miss, he was also probably the most beautiful boy Isak had ever laid eyes on. 

He didn’t think the boy went to Nissen, he would’ve noticed him before if he did. However, they got their coffee from the same place and tended to be there at the same time. Isak might’ve started coming earlier after he noticed the boy always coming in early. 

And he was not supposed to notice pretty boys. He was supposed to look at girls and feel a heat in the pit of his stomach. He was supposed to have electricity running though his veins when he touched girls. He wasn’t supposed to lock eyes with a handsome boy and feel his heart skip a beat. 

But he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help how his eyes followed the boy’s every move. How he couldn’t help but blush when the boy smiled in his direction, eyes crinkling at the sides. 

He felt himself wanting the boy. And for the longest time, that was his biggest shame. That’s what he ran from most. Until there was a bigger thing to run from.

His mother was steadily getting worse, her delusions gaining grandeur, her eyes growing bigger and her words growing harsher. She spewed hateful, biblical quotes at him and Isak felt himself shrink.

Isak was in the coffeeshop one morning after being woken up by his mother screaming about demons at the top of her lungs at four in the morning. Isak had tried for hours to calm her down, eventually succeeding to get her to bed at eight. He had dragged himself out of his house, not wanting to go to school, but he didn’t want to stay in the house either.

So, he found himself at the coffeeshop, his hands wrapped around his steaming cup of coffee, on the verge of tears, when the boy walked in. He look angelic, his blond hair shining in the morning sun, a wide smile on his face as he read something on his phone. He chuckled softly when he typed a reply before ordering his usual (which Isak had pathetically memorized).

The boy looked around the coffeeshop, his eyes stopping when he saw Isak. The smile on his face grew even bigger and Isak felt the want coursing through his body. He wanted this boy with the sunny smile. He wanted to be happy.

The thought brought tears to his eyes, and he quickly looked down to hide them from the boy. 

However, it seemed that he hadn’t been quick enough, as the boy appeared at his table, cup of coffee and two muffins on a plate in his hands. He pushed the plate closer to Isak.

“Seems like you could use this,” he said and Isak raised his head to look at him. “I’m Even.”

Isak sniffed softly, “I’m Isak.”

“Hello, Isak. I wanted to start talking to you at a better time, but I couldn’t stand the idea of you being here sad and alone,” Even said smiling softly.

“You wanted to talk to me?” 

“Very much,” Even said, reaching out for Isak, before he touched him, he stopped and asked “Can I?”

When Isak nodded, Even wiped the tear from Isak’s cheek, “Can I hug you?” Even asked and Isak just stared for a second. Even’s face shuttered slightly, and he started to apologies, before Isak reached out and hugged Even.

Even laughed, pulled his chair closer and angled his body so the better hug Isak.

The hug takes longer than is really appropriate for two strangers hugging, but Isak can’t help but cling to Even, inhaling his scent, drawing comfort from the strong arms encircling him.

When they finally let go, Even again wipes away the fresh tears before telling Isak again to take a muffin. Isak does, he chews thoughtfully while he just watches Even watching him.

“Do you need to leave for school?” Even asks, after a while, Isak shakes his head, tells him he’s not going. “I’ll stay with you,” Even says.

He gets up and takes his stuff to the couch in the back, motions for Isak to follow him. When Isak drops down next to him, he pulls him close, his arm draped over Isak’s shoulder. 

They stay like that, cuddled up for the rest of the day, only separating to get fresh coffee. They talk, they cuddle and Isak starts to belief that maybe he could be happy after all.


	31. thirty-one

Isak comes home from school, his scarf wound tight around his face, trying to protect it from the biting cold outside. He shivers as he closes the door behind him, toes his shoes off and reluctantly shrugs off his jacket. 

He rubs his hands over each other, noticing how cold the apartment feels.

“Halla, baby, I’m home,” he yells in the general direction of the living room/bedroom as he makes his way over to the thermostat. “Is the heater not working?” he asks, his back turned to where he presumes Even is.

He receives a mumbled answer as he fiddles with the thermostat, trying to figure out what’s wrong.  When he finally turns around, it takes a while to find Even.

Isak spots his unruly hair poking out from under the duvet. He slowly walks over to Even, cards his hands through his boyfriend’s hair. “What’s, wrong, baby?”

Even’s face peaks from under the duvet, his nose red and stuffy, his eyes watery, “I’m sick,” he says, and if Isak didn’t love him so much, he would’ve laughed with the adorable pout on his boyfriend’s face.

“Did you eat?” Isak asks him and Even shakes his head, says it’s too cold to leave the bed.

Isak kisses Even’s forehead before going into the kitchen to warm up soup. It’s soup Even made before, Isak would feel guilty for not making the soup himself but he knows that would end in disaster and at least this soup is healthy and tasty.

He brings it out to Even, helping him upright and tucking the blanket around his shoulders. While Even eats, Isak fixes him some tea for later. He cleans out the trash can threatening to spill over with Even’s tissues, and looks for the cold medicine. After Even has eaten, he puts the bowl in the sink and goes over to rub some Vicks on his chest.

“Do you need anything else?” he asks as Even shuffles back down in bed.

Even shakes his head, before changing his mind, “Cuddles,” he says, and holds out his hands, to draw Isak in.

This time Isak does laugh, the look on his boyfriend’s face too cute not to. He lets himself be pulled into the warmth of Even’s blanket burrito and smiles when Even sighs into his chest.

Isak runs his hands through Even’s slightly sweaty hair. He should be disgusted, but instead he buries his nose in it, inhaling Even’s scent, mixing with the strong Vicks scent. 

Even pulls him even closer, kissing Isak’s collarbone, “Thank you for taking care of me,” he mumbles, lips softly caressing Isak’s skin.

Isak squeezes Even’s body closer to him, “You’re welcome.”

After a while, he hears Even’s breath evening out and although he doesn’t mean to, Isak falls asleep as well, surrounded by warmth and Even’s scent.

Later, when they wake, Isak will make Even drink more tea and eat more soup. He will drag him into the shower and wash Even’s hair. Now, they sleep, wrapped up in each other.


	32. thirty-two

Isak feels the tingles of anxiety under his skin. It’s sadness, mixed with anger. It’s the cocktail that makes him want to explode at anyone and anything.

Magnus laughs too loud during lunch and Isak snaps so harshly Mahdi tells him to fuck off. Jonas turns to him, eyebrows drawn down and lips twisted worriedly. Before he can ask Isak if he’s okay, Isak jumps out of his seat, catapulting the chair backwards.

The way it clatters to the ground makes him grind his teeth. His fingers tap uncontrollably against his thigh as he races out of the cafeteria, almost running into Sana.

Sana looks him up and down before stepping aside, pulling Vilde with her, telling her “not now”.

Isak wants to scream at her, tell her he doesn’t need protecting, especially not from Vilde. But one look from Sana shuts him up.

He clenches his fists and keeps on walking, over the schoolyard, out of the gate, towards the park where they spend his eighteenth birthday.

When he finds a semi-secluded spot, he sits down on the wet grass, buries his head in his arms and tries not to scream, or sob, or both.

His phone rings but he’s too out of it to answer. He’s got nothing to say, just wants to be alone.

The only person he could want with him right now is working. He knows Even always tells him he can call him, anytime, but…

Sometimes Isak doesn’t think he’s worthy of Even’s love, of his care. Sometimes, late at night, he’ll just look at Even’s face and wonder how he got this lucky.

Now, when he’s feeling like his emotions are too big for his body, like any moment now, he’s going to fall apart and there will be nothing left of him, he doesn’t feel like he gets to tell Even this. He feels like this is his own pain, his own anger.

The instinct to suffer in silence has been one that kept him going for years, and it’s a hard habit to kick.

His phone sounds with a text message, and ignoring every part of him that screams to ignore it, he pulls it out and stares at the messages his mamma send him.

He knew this could happen, the doctors told him recovery is a rocky road and she will relapse. It was stupid of him to assume that after so many good months, she wouldn’t fall back. He can’t explain why this hits him even harder than before she started the new meds and started improving.

He thinks it might be the shock. He had gotten the first text hours ago and had happily opened it, thinking she was texting him about the dinner party in two days. Instead, there had been a bible text, and since then they hadn’t stopped coming.

The thing that tipped him over, had been his father, texting him that he had gone to check up on his mamma and she hadn’t been taking her meds for days now. The whole process would have to start all over again, she would be experiencing psychosis for a while before the meds would start working again. That is, if they could get her to take them.

The guilt had overwhelmed Isak. He should’ve visited her more, should’ve helped more with the dinner party, should’ve been better.

This time he couldn’t hold in the sob and tears started rolling down the bridge of his nose.

His phone rang again but Isak feared it might be his mother, so he ignored it again.

“Isak,” he suddenly heard and then he was surrounded by the only arms he would want right now.

He clung to Even, no longer able to hold in the sobs wrecking through his body. Even didn’t try to stop him, he just rubbed his back, rocked him slowly side to side.

“I’m so sorry, Even,” Isak said, choking on his tears.

Even just shook his head, kissing Isak’s curls, “I’m here, baby.”

“I’m such a mess, I should’ve seen this coming. I shouldn’t bother you with this. You were working and this is so stupid, I can handle this alone,” Isak rambled, until Even stopped him, pulling his face up so he could look him in the eyes.

“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always,” Even said with such conviction that Isak felt his heart skip a beat, “I’m not doubting you can handle this alone, but you don’t have to, Isak. Not anymore. I’m with you now,” he repeated.

Isak swallowed harshly before he kissed Even. The sweet taste of Even’s mouth mingled with the salt of Isak’s tears and Isak felt himself sighing into the kiss, trying to get closer to Even.

“Let’s get you home,” Even said, slowly getting up and pulling Isak with him.

“What about your work?” Isak asked, Even just shrugged.

“Told them there was an emergency, my boss likes me,” he grinned and Isak didn’t doubt his words. How could anyone not like this sunshine boy?

When they got home, Even made Isak some tea and a cheese toastie before tucking him into bed and snuggling in next to him.

As Isak fell asleep on Even’s chest, the last thing he hears was Even’s whispered “I love you”


	33. thirty-three

The first time Vilde mentions her mother’s “wine tasting night” to Isak, his heart sinks. He thinks he might not have even needed to hear Sara’s gossip to realise it’s a lie. He thinks he recognises the pain in her eyes, the forced smile, the tilt of her voice. Like looking in a mirror.

He doesn’t say anything, however. At that moment, he’s not ready to carry his own issues, let alone those of Vilde.

They may share similar issues, but that doesn’t mean he has to like her.

*

After Vilde and Magnus start to date, Isak starts to notice things again. How Magnus will sometimes be texting Vilde, concentrated frown on his face. He thinks it might be a mirror image to when Magnus texted Isak about Even.

When Magnus leaves their pre-party to go with Vilde for the second time in a row, Isak worries. He doesn’t tell anyone, not even Even, whose eyebrows raise questioningly at him.

On Monday, after they ate lunch with the entire group (something that has been happening more and more now that both Vilde and Magnus, and Jonas and Eva are dating), Isak turns to Magnus.

“Is, uhm,” he starts, and stops. Magnus tears his eyes away from his girlfriend’s retreating back, to look at Isak. “Is she okay?” Isak asks, chin pointing in Vilde’s direction.

Magnus frowns, “Why?”

Isak shrugs and looks down at his hands, “Nothing, forget it.”

“Dude, what do you know?” Magnus’ eyes are wide as he stares at Isak, “Are there rumours floating around again?”

“No, dude, chill,” Isak tries to calm Magnus down, “I just… I know, okay.”

“What do you know?” Magnus narrows his eyes at him and Isak scoffs, “Never mind.”

Jonas chooses that moment to draw their attention back to the conversation and Isak gratefully accepts the diversion of Magnus’ attention.

*

The next day, Vilde is waiting for him at his locker. Isak groans when he sees her, and wants to just turn around and disappear. But maybe Even is right, maybe he’s growing soft, as he lets himself be noticed by Vilde who is nervously jumping up and down on her heels.

“Isak,” she says, as she sees him. “Vilde,” he replies, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.

“Can we talk?”

“I have to get to class, Vilde,” Isak says, knowing the effort is futile. Vilde has that gleam in her eye that tells him that she’s going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants. Isak knows he’s going to do it, although he can’t explain why.

“It will only take a second,” she says and as Isak nods, she grabs him by the wrist to pull him into an empty classroom.

“What the fuck, Vilde?” he pulls his wrist out of her grip as she spins around to face him.

“What do you know and how do you know it?” her voice is lower than normal, and for some reason Isak suspects this voice is closer to her true voice than the perky one she uses all the time. He suspects she uses her cheerfulness like a mask, just like he had used his grumpiness.

He sighs, crosses his arms, “I dated Sara, remember?” Vilde winces and Isak nods, “I just know your home situations isn’t… ideal.”

“Understatement of the century,” Vilde mumbles, and it’s so unlike her, Isak burst out into laughter.

“Sorry,” he manages to say in between laughter.

Vilde chuckles and shrugs. Her smile sincere as she watches Isak.

“Will you tell anyone?” she asks, and Isak immediately sobers up.

“What? No, of course not, Vilde! Not even Even knows.”

Vilde’s smile becomes radiant at that, and she nods, “Okay, thank you.”

She sets out to leave, but before she can, Isak grabs her wrist, “Listen, Vilde,” her big eyes focus on him and Isak isn’t sure what has come over him, maybe it’s seeing this glimpse of Vilde underneath all the pretence, “my home situation wasn’t… ideal either.” They both grin at each other before Isak continues, “If you ever want to talk…” he trails off, unsure what he is offering here.

Vilde’s face grows soft and kind, “Thank you Isak, I don’t know if I’ll need it, considering I have Magnus and Chris. But it’s nice to offer.”

Isak just nods as the bell rings.

They both smile at each other one last time before parting ways.

*

It’s not like things immediately change drastically after that. It’s just… whenever Vilde is particularly down, Isak will smile at her. When he sees she didn’t bring food, he’ll buy her a cheese toastie, or share whatever lunch Even made him. When the bags under her eyes get too hard to even conceal with makeup, he’ll invite all of them over for a movie night and allows Vilde to fall asleep, mushed between him and Magnus.

Vilde will distract everyone on days when Isak’s mom sends him bible texts, making him gloomy and pessimistic for the future. And although she knows better than to do it in front of him, Isak knows she verbally destroys anyone who speaks ill of either him or Even in front of her.

On his mamma’s birthday Vilde brings him gifts to pass on to her. Isak is not sure how she found out when her birthday is, but he guesses it has something to do with the combined magic of Vilde and Sana.

They form a weirdly tight friendship, without ever really hanging out. Their friends don’t really understand what’s happening when Isak dumps his lunch in front of Vilde, demanding her to try, or when Vilde tells them all to leave Isak alone, but they understand it makes the both calmer and more grounded.

And Isak will still roll his eyes at Vilde and scoff when she asks dumb questions. But he agrees with Sana, Vilde is the first he would take to war with him.


	34. thirty-four

Even comes home to Jonas strumming on his guitar and what sounds like Mahdi beatboxing. He grins as he takes of his shoes and hangs up his jacket. He loves when the boys come over to just hang and jam around for a bit. He’s been picking up the guitar again and he and Jonas have been having fun riffing off and singing off-beat.

He’s just about to announce his presence when he hears it. Isak is rapping. Even stops walking and just stands still in the hallway, listening. The biggest grin appears on his face as he hears Isak getting into it. Unable to wait any longer, he rounds the corner.

Isak is on crouched down, a mic in his one hand, the other moving around on the beat. His eyes are closed like he is concentrating hard on the lyrics. And Even… Even is so gone for this boy.

Magnus is the first to notice him and he smiles widely and waves. Even smiles back but his eyes immediately wander back to Isak who still hasn’t noticed him.

Even is glad his boy hasn’t seen him as that gives him more time to simply watch him, dopey smile plastered on his face.

When Mahdi notices him, his beatboxing falters for a moment, making both Isak and Jonas snap their heads up to Even.

“Even! You’re home!” Isak blushes like he’s caught doing something embarrassing. Even couldn’t disagree more.

“Don’t stop on my account!” he says, crossing the room to peck Isak on the lips before settling down next to Mahdi on the couch.

Isak grins at him, cocks his eyebrow, “E-Box, gimme the beat!”

Even laughs loudly, before starting (and quite spectacularly failing) to beatbox. Mahdi takes pity on him and takes over, Jonas starts the beat up on his guitar again.

Isak winks before closing his eyes and resumes rapping.

Even is in love.


	35. thirty five

“Oh, Isak,” Eva sighs, letting her head fall down on Isak’s shoulder. “He’s a dumb boy.”

“He’s not. He’s amazing, and smart, and wonderful.”

Eva braids her fingers in between his. “So are you.”

Isak shrugs one shoulder, careful not to jostle Eva too much. “Just not enough.”

He swallows, his eyes still glued to Even.

Even, whose hands are gliding over a girl’s body, spinning her around in circles, and sharing smiling kisses. Every kiss feels like a punch to Isak’s guts and he knows it shouldn’t. He should be getting over Even, should’ve realised a long time ago that Even only wants him as a friend.

Isak values being Even’s friend. Their little traditions mean the world to him. Being the first one Even calls when anything, good or bad, happens, is so important to Isak.

So maybe it’s selfish to wish for more. Wish that Even would kiss him before falling asleep in the same bed. That he’d look at Isak like he’s looking at that girl right now.

He whines and sinks lower in the couch.

“I’m getting you another drink,” Eva declares, pecking him on the cheek and darting off.

When she comes back, it’s with Jonas and Sana in tow. The reinforcements.

“The pout doesn’t suit you,” Sana says sitting down gracefully next to him.

Eva settles on his lap, handing him a bottle of fresh, cold beer. “Drink to forget!” she calls out.

Sana rolls her eyes but doesn’t protest as Jonas reaches out with his own bottle to clink it against Isak’s.

Isak’s eyes trail back to Even, and as Even bends down to kiss the girl, Isak throws back his head, downing half the bottle in one go. “Drink to forget.”

Eva cheers.

*

Somewhere between two beers Isak realises he has made a giant mistake but by then he’s in too deep. So he drinks more.

He’s still sulking on the couch when Even drops down next to him. He’s sweaty from dancing, his hair in disarray, his shirt sticking to him. Isak has never loved anyone as much as he loves him.

Even opens his mouth when Isak interrupt him.

“What do they have that I don’t?”

The second he’s said it, he wants to take it back. The shame and guilt burn through his body instantly as he sees Even’s eye first go wide and then sad.

“Isak? What -”

“Nope,” Isak says, pushing himself up from the couch and promptly walking away from Even.

He gets as far as outside before someone puts a hand on his shoulder and forcibly turn him around.

“What the fuck, Isak! You can’t say something like that and then run off!” Even almost shouts, anger blazing in his eyes, making them even bluer than otherwise.

“I’m sorry,” Isak whispers.

Even steps closer to him, hands coming up to cradle his face, “Do you mean it?” he asks.

Isak starts answering but before he can, he feels the bile rise up in his throat. “Shit,” he croaks, before turning away from Even to puke on the street.

*

Next thing he knows, he wakes up in his own bed. Alone.

The headache is almost as bad as the heartache, and honestly that’s saying a lot. He takes several moments to breathe through the pain, both of his broken heart and his hangover.

He did everything he swore he’d never do. He’s hurt Even, confessed his feelings, let Eva talk him into doing something stupid. He deserves every bit of pain his body can throw at him right now.

He closes his eyes again, curls up in the fetal position and just lets the pain wash over him.

Isak’s eyes have just started to sting with unshed tears, when his door creaks open. “Please go away, Eskild, I don’t want to talk.”

“It’s me.”

Isak’s eyes fly open and he turns towards the door.

Even is standing there, looking as beautiful as ever, if not for the troubled look in his eyes. “Can I come in?”

“Yes, of course,” Isak hurries to say, slowly getting up in a sitting position, trying not to move too quick as to not aggravate his headache.

“Here,” Even says, handing him a sports drink, “it’ll help with the hangover.”

Isak smiles gratefully before greedily drinking down half of the bottle.

After he’s closed the bottle again and put it on his bedside table, he turns back to Even.

“I need to know -”

“I’m just so-”

They laugh, breaking some of the tension.

“You go first,” Isak says, “I think I said enough yesterday.”

Even runs his hand through his hair, a habit Isak knows Even does when he’s frustrated.

“No, you see, that’s not true at all. You said something cryptic and then you ran off,” Even says, frustration lining his words.

“I shouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“That’s besides the point, though,” Even says, tilting his head towards Isak. They are so close. If Isak tilts his head just so, he could kiss Even. “You said it and now I want to know if you meant it. If you mean what I think you mean.”

Isak blinks, once twice, mesmerized by how beautiful Even is, and then he tilts his head. Pressing his lips to Even’s, tentatively, giving the other boy plenty of time to pull away.

Instead, Even moans and presses back, takes control of the kiss. Licking over Isak’s lips until he gets the hint and opens his mouth, letting Even in. Always letting Even in, anywhere he wants to be let in.

They kiss until they need to break for air.

“Nothing,” Even says, and when Isak frowns, “She has nothing you don’t have. I was just waiting for you.”

Isak smiles, a wide smile, one of those smiles only Even can coax out of him.

“We’re going to talk more about this, though,” Even says, and Isak nods, properly chastised. “But first, you’re going to brush your teeth, and then we’re going to make out some more.”

Isak laughs, he could get behind that.


	36. thirty six

Even thinks he might’ve always loved Isak, from the very first moment he saw him.

Isak walked into his life at a moment where he felt like everything was going to shit. He’d just broken up with Sonja, came out of a gruelling depressive episode and all he had wanted was to lick his wounds in peace. Instead, Mikael had dragged him out, telling him they’d wanted Even to meet their boyfriend and his friends.

Even had spend the better part of the night in the corner, nursing a beer, still too tired and groggy from the depressive episode to really interact with the people around him.

And then Isak had walked in. Isak had smiled when Jonas introduced him to Mikeal, and Even’s heart had skipped a beat just watching him. He was beautiful, messy curls and long fingers wrapped around a bottle of beer, his laugh a bit hoarse, pronounced cupid bow giving way to his cute teeth.

He had stared at him, not yet ready to approach him, when instead Isak had approached him. Isak’d dropped down next to him on the coach, smiled shyly and that’s how one of the best nights of Even’s life had started.

It would’ve been the best night ever, period, if not for one minor detail: Isak had a boyfriend. He mentioned him offhandedly at one point, answering a question Jonas asked him. Even doesn’t even remember what exactly Isak had said about him, only that he felt his hopeless, romantic heart shatter a little bit.

Isak had broken up with his boyfriend some time after that, right after Even had started dating someone new and while every part of Even’s heart had been screaming to dump his current boyfriend, he couldn’t… Not when he wasn’t sure how Isak felt, not when maybe this new relationship could work.

Spoiler: it hadn’t.

The guy had strung Even along for far too long, breaking his tender heart into a million pieces. Isak had been there too pick up the pieces. He brought pizza and movies and even let Even fall asleep on his shoulder.

In the wreck of Even’s relationship, they became friends.

And Even loved it. He loved when Isak just came over to watch movies with him. He loved smoking with Isak and talking about the universe. He loved their inside jokes in the groupchat that made everyone mad. He loved how he could reach out for his phone in the middle of the night and text Isak, knowing that it was okay to share his dark and sad thoughts with him because Isak had them too.

Except… except sometimes they went out to parties and Isak said he’d sleep over on Even’s couch but instead he’d go home with some guy. And sometimes Even would be over at Isak’s place and Eskild would lovingly tease him about keeping him up all night.

Even knew it wasn’t fair to resent Isak, even a little bit, but he did. He just wanted Isak to look at him like he looked at those boys he picked up. He just wanted to be the one marking up Isak’s neck, making him blush and roll his eyes at his friends whenever they brought it up.

It was a Sunday, and as had been the case for months now, Isak was sat on Even’s couch. Leftover pizza cooling on the coffee table, cans of soda cracked open, a movie playing on the tv.

Even was trying to pay attention, he truly was, but the hickey Isak’s newest conquest had left was so big and so out in the open, he kept getting distracted.

In a moment of pure weakness, Even reached out and poked the hickey, right under Isak’s jaw.

“Ow! What the fuck, Even?” Isak cried out, his hand flying up to cover the spot.

Even shrugged, “that’s a giant one.”

Isak rubbed the spot self-consciously. “Yeah, I told him off when I saw it.”

“You like it, though, when they…,” Even lamely waved his hand in the general direction of Isak’s neck.

“In the moment, I guess,” Isak blushed, finally dropping his hand, “afterwards it just makes me feel..”

“Makes you feel?” Even prompted.

Isak shrugged one shoulder, nodded his chin to the tv screen, “doesn’t matter. We’re missing the film.”

It was quiet for a few beats, neither of them actually watching the movie.

“Makes you feel what?” Even said, making Isak sigh irritably.

“Drop it, Even,” he warned.

“I just don’t get why you would sleep with all these men if you don’t like it.”

Isak spluttered, his face turning red in what Even recognized was anger and he turned to face Even fully. “You seriously cannot be this oblivious!” he almost shouted.

Even shrunk back, “I have no idea-”

“I’m in love with you, Even! I have been in love with you for months but I can’t have you so I try to just,” he paused for just a second, his hands up in the air between them, “ _fuck_ you out of my system.”

Isak’s shoulders slumped and he thumped his head against the backrest, “obviously it’s not going too well.”

“What the fuck,” Even breathed and a flash of hurt passed over Isak’s face before suddenly Even was straddling Isak. “I’m going to kiss you now, stop me if you don’t want me to,” Even said, leaning in.

Isak didn’t stop him, instead he pulled Even closer by the back of his head, moaning softly when Even’s tongue swiped over his lower lip.

By the time Even pulled away, Isak’s lips were puffy and his eyes slightly glazed over.

“I have loved you from the moment I met you,” Even said and Isak blinked.

“I broke up with my boyfriend because I realized I was falling for you,” Isak admitted, “but by then you were dating that asshole, and after that you were so heartbroken I… I didn’t want to force myself onto you.”

“Shit,” Even breathes and Isak laughs.

“Yeah, you can say that again.”

“We’re idiots,” Even says and Isak nods sagely before kissing Even’s cheek. “I’m never letting you go now, though,” he adds, looking Isak in the eye, “If that’s okay with you.”

“More than okay,” Isak replies.


	37. thirty seven

“You smell,” Even says, wrinkling his nose as Isak falls into bed, naked except for his boxers. Still, he opens his arms and invites Isak to burrow close to him. He smells of stale beer and sweat, a hint of weed and Eva’s perfume. But his weight is comforting and his long limbs tangling with Even’s make the ever-present buzz under his skin quiet down.

“I missed you,” Isak mumbles, speech slightly slurred, alcohol even more present on his breath. He rubs his nose against Even’s collarbone. “You should’ve come.”

Even hums non-committedly, he missed Isak too. He spend all day watching and refreshing everyone’s instagram stories. When Isak had asked him if he would join him for the last day of russ, Even had made up an excuse, told him he had a project for uni he needed to finish. The truth was he recently came out of a mild depressive episode, and he knew he couldn’t drink, knew that the alcohol had the potential of triggering a much worse episode.

It’s not that he couldn’t have come along and not drink, but he didn’t want to be the only sober person in a crowd of drunks. More than that, he didn’t want to hold Isak back from enjoying himself, and he knew that if Even would have come along, Isak would have worried.

“It’s okay,” he says, fingers carding through Isak’s slightly greasy curls, “it wouldn’t have been as much fun with your sober boyfriend following you around all night.”

Isak makes a sound almost like a gasp before pushing himself upright, accidentally putting too much pressure on Even’s chest in the process, making him wince in pain.

“Shit, sorry,” Isak says, momentarily forgetting what he was about to say and clumsily bending down to kiss it better.

Even chuckles, “it’s fine. I’m fine, Isak.”

“No!” Isak exclaims, seemingly remembering what he was about to say earlier. “No! Listen, listen!” he says, too loud in the dark of the room.

“I’m listening,” Even says around a smile, gently pulling at Isak to get him to lay back down.

Isak pushes his hands away, and sits upright, straddling Even’s thighs. “I love you,” he says and even in the dark Even can see how wide and honest his eyes are.

“I-”

“No, but,” Isak interrupts him, “can’t you see how all my moments are better with you there? Even when I’m…” he waves his hands around, looking for words, “like… stupid drunk and you are… stupid beautiful and perfect.”

Even swallows around the lump in his throat, lets his hands wander up Isak’s naked torso. “I just didn’t want to intrude on your last night of partying with your best friends,” Even admits.

“You are my best friend,” Isak replies without missing a beat. “You are,” he repeats, all drunk honesty.

Even feels his eyes tearing up as he pulls his boy back down onto his chest. “You’re my best friend too.”

“I know,” Isak replies, before yawning so wide his jaw pops. “You’re coming with me tomorrow right? We’re just going to chill in the park,” he pulls a face, as if he can already feel the hangover he’s no doubt going to be nursing tomorrow.

“If you want me to,” Even says, still struck my Isak’s declaration.

“Always,” Isak simply replies before snuggling in deeper, burying his nose behind Even’s ear, a clear sign he’s about to fall asleep.

“Okay,” Even says and he pulls Isak even more on top of him, burying his own nose in Isak’s hair.

The smell of Isak, unmistakable under the stale beer, makes Even breathe a little deeper, a little easier.

“I love you, stinky boy,” he mumbles and Isak grunts in reply, pressing a sloppy kiss to Even’s skin.

**Author's Note:**

> [Find & prompt me on Tumblr](http://greathalesonfire.tumblr.com/)   
> 


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